Day 14- Happy 2 Week Old Baby Day! (33 Week Gestational Age)

Me and my favorite Girl

Happy 2 Week Birthday, Avery Grace!

8:30 AM- We were excited to see our girl this morning after not having seen her in more than 12 hours! That's a long time for Mom at least. She still hadn't pooped by herself (24 hours now) so that's always a bit of a let down, although the nurse said that she was hearing lots of grumbles in her tummy, so that's good. At 36 hours with no stool, they will give her an enema. Which I know doesn't hurt anything, but I know she can do it on her own, and I guess I just look at that as a very minor setback. I never know what that will signal to the doctor. We decided since we were going to miss her 11:30 touch time in order to go to church, that we would do her bath at 2:30 (glad the nurse is working with us on this issue!) So I got to swaddle hold her while she ate. Except that about 10 minutes in, I noticed she looked like she was gagging. My heart jumped into my throat. I was watching her trying to figure out what was going on when she threw up breastmilk all over herself. Let me tell you, that was not a pretty sight. Not in the "ugh, that was disgusting" way, but it broke my heart to think that she could be sick or something could be wrong. She's never done that before and it terrified me. I don't really care for the nurse we have today, I think she is a fresh graduate and she doesn't have the greatest calming bedside manner. I mean, I was inwardly freaking out and asking her if that was normal. Her response was, "Well, its not normal persay, but it happens." Oh, okay, well thank you for quieting my inner PARANOIA!! The nurse took her and put her back in her isolette where she cleaned her off with a wipey. I told her to go ahead and bathe her at 11:30 since she was dirty now : ( Since Avery had also thrown up her feeding tube, they took the tape off her chin and I was able to see her with absolutely no wires or monitors of any kind on her. She is breath-taking. I cannot wait to have her home and looking like that all the time. I am scared I'll just watch her every second of the day and not care what happens in the outside world. I'm glad we are going to church so I can pray for peace and for the calming of Avery' tummy and for poop! I did call at 10 and her nurse said she had finished the rest of the milk with no problem, so that did a little to ease my fear.

11:30 AM- We were at church at this time and could not see the babe. Church was AMAZING and was exactly what I needed. I cried out to God and I know that He and I connected this morning in a supernatural way. I am blessed for going to this service and feeling, more than ever, that God is going to heal my daughter. When we called, we got the news that she had 3 cc's digested milk still in her belly (residuals), still no poop, and no more spit up. She is still on clear fluids (sugar water) at a very minimal dose. They upped her feedings to 28 mL plus calories so getting back residuals was kind of expected. This is her full feed amount for her weight, which is a good thing to reach if she tolerates it.
2:30 PM- Praise the Lord! This time had much better results. She only had 1 cc of residual milk, she pooped yellow 3 DIAPERS WORTH!! (Quite a sight to see her projectile poop all over me and her nurse. I think her nurse was annoyed but I was laughing with joy). She was awake and quiet and so her and I talked for a long time. It's so nice to spend that alone time with my child, especially when I know she is doing good.
5:30 PM- Her nurse told me when I came in that she had another episode of spit up, albeit a lot smaller. She had 3 cc's residual again and no poopy diaper. Not the best news ever, but after the last touch time, I was feeling confident that at her kangaroo care tonight, things would turn around and we could end on a high note.
8:30 PM- Which brings me to right now. Just got home and am pumping and trying my very hardest not to cry. Avery lost about 30 grams today (how in the world that happened with this much extra feeds plus calories and only pooping once is beyond me, and its frustrating when the nurses try to tell me its not concerning. Well listen, it is concerning to me.) She is back to about 3 lbs and 9 oz. She also had 4 cc's of digested breast milk and it was "slightly tinted yellow". The nurse practioner said to go ahead and throw it out (not to refeed it to her) and we would "keep a close eye on her overnight". They said that maybe it's the stomach getting used to the new amount of feeds/calories and that maybe even the calories fluid could cause the milk to be yellow tinted (has happened in the past)... all explanations I am begging God for it to be other than Avery's stomach not to be tolerating this combination. 4 cc's, while not concerning to the nurses, is also the most she's given back thus far, and worries me. I'm trying more than you know to be strong. I do trust in God that this is His plan for our daughter. I do have faith that she will come out of this okay. But its the in between part that I'm struggling with. Especially tonight. I really don't even have the emotional energy to finish typing what I would like to. All I want to do is cry... because I miss my baby. I want to hold her and snuggle with her and read to her and make her laugh. I want her body to be fully functioning and for us to never have to hear another alarm go off on a monitor and have our hearts stop b/c that might be an alarm for our daughter. I want her to be better than okay. And I'm having a really hard time dealing with the slight setbacks in her progress. So tonight I'm going to bed with my streaked makeup still on and I'm going to pray that when I call to check on her at 1:30, the news is better than okay.

If everyone could please pray for Avery's tummy- that she continues to poop/pee on her own, that she gains healthy weight, that the amount of residuals they get back from her are minimal to non-existent and that they are not any other shade other than white. Please pray that she is able to tolerate this feeding amount/added calories. She has labs being drawn at 5:30 AM and we will get results by 8:30- please pray that all comes back perfectly and nothing is abnormal.

While I am weak tonight, I know that in my weakness, God prevails strong as ever. I have faith that He will bring us through this period of trial, no matter how small it is. I believe in the power of prayer, and I thank each and every one of you who is praying for Avery. God is gonna get us through!

Day 13

Good Morning everyone! Mom here, delighting in this day already. I slept really good last night (in my 2.5 hour increments) and I thank the Lord for that. I know today is going to be an awesome day. It's beautiful outside, we're going to work on Baby Girl's nursery, I'm getting to see my friends and enjoy some Mom time, have delicious dinner at Grandpa's house, and in between all this, spend some QT with my sweet girl! That's an ultimate thumbs up kind of day in my book. I hope that everyone has a wonderful day/weekend as well : )

8:30 AM- We were told Avery had a great night last night, and that she absolutely loves to be swaddled. She had on a new long sleeved onesie, which was so freaking cute. She had no residuals through the night (yay!) and while Mom and Dad were tag teaming changing her diaper.... you guessed it. Projectile poop on both of us. Twice. I'd like to warn readers this is about to be TMI: her poop was seedy/runny and more yellowish, which is officially the poop of normal newborns!! I know that's gross, but I was so happy to see this. Dad and the nurse changed her bedding (it was everywhere) while Mom got to hold her for a minute. I can't wait to go back at 11:30 and get "the plan" from her doctor/nurse and also to do my swaddled holding time. Dad made a joke and AG actually smiled like she was about to laugh. That made our hearts happy.
11:30 AM-  No residuals here! No poop either. They upped her feeding amount to 24mL, which is very close to maxing out at her full feeds. Their plan is to stop the TPN this evening (the Gatorade type fluid that gives her nutrition, electrolytes, etc.) and just push clear fluids through her PICC line through tomorrow I believe. Then they will start fortifying her full feeds w/ extra calories to help plump our babe up! If she tolerates the additional calories (apparently some babies don't), then they will remove the PICC line. I think Tuesday is probably the earliest they will do this, if all goes well. They don't want to take it out too early in case for some reason she doesn't tolerate the additional amounts. But I have total faith that God is going to sooth her tummy and allow her to take all of that in with no problems! Can we pray together for that?  Thank you!! Mom also held her swaddled for about an hour. Pure heaven : ) She was a little warm when I took her temp, but I think its because they had her swaddled so tight and a full bodysuit on her and a hat. Hello, she comes from CJ and I, she is a HOT NATURED baby. Of course, I just don't want her to have a fever, so if we could also pray about that. She is going to need 2 fans on her at all times to sleep, I can tell you now ; )

Sleepy girl in her cozy onesie

2:30 PM- Mom was getting her mani/pedi around this time, so Dad and GMa took a break from doing her nursery to go up to the hospital and see Avery. She had no residuals and no poop. They had a great visit! Gma helped so much with the nursery and I just know that Avery will love it when she gets home. Thank you so much to my husband and mother in law for putting so much time, effort and love into our little girl's room. It means the world the me and I'm very grateful.
5:30 PM-  Avery had no residuals and no poop again. We got there a little late but Dad immediately got to start kangarooing with her. She was very awake when we got there, but fell fast asleep once the milk hit her little stomach. During the session, Dad looked down and noticed that Avery had her hand positioned in such a way that it looked like she was flipping off the camera!! I didn't want to take a picture of it, but I have to admit, it was too funny not to. I think maybe that's the Morrison part in my baby : ) Dad didn't want to give her back when our time was up tonight, but we had a dinner date w/ Grampa and Mimi, so we reluctantly put our baby burrito back in her cocoon. Dinner was fabulous (thanks again for having us over!!) and even though I slept through the ensuing movie (Mama Bear was tired today) we always have a great time over at my dad's . We were able to call and find out for her 8:30 PM touch time that she had 1 cc residual of all breastmilk and no poop. I have to admit I was a little disappointed about not have a clear record of giving nothing at all back, but this is such a small amount, they will continue to give her the full feeds anyway. Her weight is up to 1.643 kg or  3 lbs 9.96 oz.... we're almost to 3 lbs 10 oz! My little bugger boo is gaining slower the past 2 days, but we will take and be grateful for any amount gained. Hopefully when they start fortifying her food she will put weight on quicker.

Well, we are off to bed early. Going to see precious girl at 8:30 AM and then coming home to get ready then to church. I cannot WAIT to go to church and praise God in His house for all He's done for us. Thank you for praying for the other NICU baby and continuing to lift our Avery baby up for health and healing. We continue to glorify God in all that we do, because He is working in our little one every single moment, and I feel it and I know its true! I love praying over her every time we go see her. I hope that she can feel Mom doing this : ) Thank you Jesus for your love, for your blessings, for your power in our lives and in the life of Avery Grace. Let's continue to pray for Avery's speedy and positive progress and most importantly to thank Him for all He's done/is doing for her already!

Love to all! xox

Cutest.Baby.Ever.- Day 12

Baby Girl in her very first item of clothing!!

Hi there! I am actually posting on today about today! What a concept : ) I can't believe how busy I feel for not being able to really do much. Today, I had an appt with my OB to check on my incision from the C-Section. She took off the tape and started to squeeze pus from the incision (TMI, I'm sorry people, I'm nothing if not honest) and told me that my left side looked red and irritated. She ended up seeing that it had opened up a little from the outside (Thank you Lord it looks like the inside is still closed) and she was able to poke a Q tip into the space. She thinks she popped either a blood clot or a pus pocket and that it needs to drain in order to heal correctly. Just to be on the safe side, I have to be on antibiotics for about a week or so. 15 different people have assured me this is safe for Avery (through my milk) so I'll be starting that today. I'm actually kinda scared it won't heal right or will develop an infection or open up more, so if you wouldn't mind throwing up a quick prayer for Mom when you pray for Avery, I would SUPER DUPER appreciate it! I'm in a lot of pain, and still perpetually exhausted, and don't want this to be anything major.

Back to Baby!!
8:30 AM- She had .8 mL residual and no poop. I noticed and confirmed that she hadn't had any Brady incidents in probably 3-4 days (pretty awesome!!) Avery was very alert (and very beautiful in her new pink onesise!!) but promptly fell asleep as per usual when she got fed.
11:30 AM- The doctor upped her feeds again to 20 mL (Big Girl Alert!!) and this time she had no residuals from the 8:30 feed. Her doctor came by and said our girl was doing so good, and they were confident at this rate of acceleration on her feeds/tolerance that she would be off the IV by this weekend. I'm thinking Sunday/Monday will probably be D Day, and when I say I'm absolutely THRILLED, I think you know I mean it!! She will keep her feeding tube in even when she gets to bottle feed, but it will be inserted thru her nose at that point. This won't come completely out until she's almost ready to go home. Their reasoning is better to have it in "just in case" than have to reinsert it if she doesn't take to the bottle right away. Which I've been warned is by far the hardest part of the NICU. The first few days/week are "scary" but the feeding by bottle is the "toughest". Mainly because preemies struggle so much with the suck,swallow, breathe combo. So when the time comes, we will DEF be praying our hearts out for success in that area. Also, once she hits 1800 grams and is tolerating her feeds completely and at the max level for her weight (which I think is around 25 or so) she will get moved into an open air crib bed! Will be sooo nice to not have her be in the isolette anymore. It just doesn't feel very inviting.... but I know she does love the peace and quiet in there and I do want that for Little Miss. All in God's time! It just excites me to know we are so close to both things occuring.
2:30 PM- She had no residuals at 20 mL (GO Baby, Go, Go, Go, Baby, YEAH!) And like yesterday around this time, she projectile pooped on me again. I love it. No complaints here, folks! If we have a standing daily date of poop at 2:30, I'll be a happy camper. I got to hold her swaddled for about an hour, and she was looking right at me most of the time : ) I seriously and truly fall deeper in love with this child every time she looks at me. It's such a feeling that I can never aptly put into words (and no one could do so for me either), but suffice it to say it's beyond the best feeling you've ever experienced is an understatement. We just talked and prayed until she fell into her milk coma and then I watched her sleep for about another half hour. She is such a peaceful sleeper, I could watch her for hours (and I'm quite sure I will soon here at home!)
5:30 PM- No residuals and no poop- Mom was fast asleep right about now!
8:30 PM- Baby Girl pooped twice while Mom was changing her diaper tonight! The nurse said eventually, breastfed babies will poop every diaper change, so this is good news to me that she has started to stool more than once a day. I wasn't sure exactly how much is "normal". And dangit, clearly Avery has my bowels, so more than once day is definitely an act of God! We weighed her right after I changed her diaper in the open air scale. This said that she had lost about 39 grams. Immediately, I was on the defense. I need her to be gaining, not losing weight! The nurse (not a normal night nurse, the one we had tonight was a PRN (as needed) nurse and did not do things we've done before which was a little ehhh) explained that that amount is normal to lose b/c she's pooped a lot today and one diaper weighed about 40 grams. But I know that we normally weigh Avery in her bed (that has a scale built in) so that is the one I wanted to weigh her in now, if she could be so kind as to oblige my request. Cue inner Mom-crazy-pants beginning to emerge. She clearly didn't think was necessary and called another nurse (who does work nights normally) over to ask her some obvious questions about weighing her that I could have answered. So once this was done, she determined that Avery had gained only about 14 grams for the day. Which is fine. All I'm asking is to keep going forward in her progress, and if we have to weigh her 8 times to make absolutely sure she's on the right track, then we will. She got a new pink onesie tonight with some flowery pants! I'm loving these wardrobe changes, she's like a Hollywood star or something! We had great kangaroo care time, Dad surprised us and came to sit with us and Avery nestled down in my jacket pretty quickly and fell asleep. She also had no residuals this time around... SuperBaby rides again!!
11:30 PM- I called to check on her while I was up at 1 to pump. Sweet girl had another poopy diaper and no residuals! Praise the Lord for all He's doing in our baby's tummy!

Today was such a beautiful day in so many ways. There is another girl baby in the NICU who I overhear updates on every now and then (they don't even like you to look at other babies in the NICU for HIPAA purposes) and I know that she is more premature than Avery. I think she is having some of the same issues our girl was having initially and I think she might also have an infection of some sort. If we could lift this baby up in prayer tonight for complete and total healing, I would appreciate it. We can let her have some of Avery's prayers : ) Let's agree to ask God to lay healing hands on this baby, so that her infection is cleared up quickly and she begins to eat more so that she can gain weight and go home with her Mommy and Daddy. I pray for comfort and peace for her parents, as I know how frustrating and scary this time is. God is in control, and He is the Ultimate Deliverer! He shows up when no one else can. I trust this 100% and take comfort in the fact of that also. When all human interventions fail, God is gonna show up. In one way or another. If I've learned anything the past 7-8 weeks, its that God DOES answer prayers, but never in the way you think! But if He brings you to it, He will bring you through it. I promise!

Please Lord, let Avery Grace continue to stay healthy and infection free. I pray that she gains healthy weight, every day, and stay on the forward track to complete health and healing (and Fat Baby Syndrome!) The doctor even said today that he would not re-test her jaundice levels b/c it is clear they are continuing to go down by the emergence of "normal" skin tone in her! Praise God! I'm all for not having to stick my baby again to test this, and again, another prayer answered. God is so gracious and we are thankful beyond all measure.

Tomorrow is a new day, full of possibilities for our sweet girl, and I can't wait to take part in that. Thank you for joining us in her journey; we love and appreciate every single one of you. xox

Day 11- October 27th- Let's keep it going, Avery Grace!

My Happy Baby!

I love this swaddle time more than life.

Happy Halloween everybody!!

And I'm writing this again from the next day (Friday, the 28th). Yesterday was another busy day for us and I couldn't carve out a good chunk of time to write. But I'm here now, so let's get right down to business on our SuperBaby! (Brief sidenote: isn't the Halloween picture TO DIE FOR?? I laugh hysterically every time I look at it. She's so little and cute. The hat she has on actually has a stem on the top, it's a pumpkin. She looks a lot like Dad in that photo, and I love it so much!)

8:30 AM- She had half a mL of residuals and the nurse had bathed her by the time I arrived. (I'm not exactly sure what the unit conversion of cc to mL is or if I'm been calling the units wrong the whole time in terms of her feeding. But its mL for sure and I'll be using that from now on.) Dad really is adamant about being there for her baths, even though they just do the sponge baths while she is in her isolette since she still has the PICC line in. We do like to do this part and its clearly written on her little information board by her bed. I feel like sometimes the nurses just do what they want with no regard to how important every touch time is to parents. Or maybe I'm just the weird one who wants to do all her care every time, I'm not sure. I love changing her diaper and taking her temperature. It's the only contribution to being a "mom" that I feel in control over, I suppose.
11:30 AM- They upped her feedings again to 16 mL, got back no residuals, and had just a tiny amount of poop in her diaper. Since the doctor was there I asked him about holding her swaddled once a day in addition to her kangaroo care at night. He said that since she was doing so well and was weighing more, he saw no problem with this. WAHOOOOO!!! So I got to hold my sweet baby for about 45 min just looking at her face. I was in heaven. She is so beautiful. I know I'm biased, but for real people.... she is a pretty baby. She was very alert and just looking around and staring at Mom and Dad while we talked to her. Such a neat experience!
2:30 PM- She had 1 mL of residual milk, and when Mom went to change her diaper, she projectile pooped and peed ALL over me and her. I literally sat there with the diaper up like a shield trying to catch this stuff... it was equal parts awesome and disgusting. I remain proud of my little crapper!
5:30 PM- Only had trace amounts of milk residuals this time around. She kangaroo'd with Dad tonight and she was very alert. Looking around, staring up at him and her hands. She was a squirmy monkey too! It just looks like she can't get comfortable. But like always, she fell deep into her milk coma once she got enough in her. I kissed her face about 16 times, and just breathed her scent in. She made squishy faces when Mom kissed her but I know secretly she loves it : )
8:30 PM- We did not go to this touch time, but when we called, they told us that she now weighs 3 lbs and 9 oz (YAY!!!), they officially put her in a long sleeved and bootied onesie (double yay!!) and she gave back no residuals (TRIPLE YAY!!!) My baby is getting so big!!

I did have a couple glasses of wine last night and I tested my milk at 2 AM and it was completely alcohol free so that was good. I only had to dump once. It was really nice to have Kate over, and I'm looking forward to more adult interaction here soon! My wonderful, amazing, lovely friends from work are taking me on a mani/pedi date tomorrow and I cannot wait! We are also having dinner at my dad's, and his home cooking is sure to bolster our spirits even more. We are so incredibly blessed to be surrounded by all these amazing people. My mother in law is also coming over to help put up Avery's curtains in her room... thanks GMa!

God is continuing to answer our prayers for Avery's health and we are more grateful than ever. It is really tempting to slack on the prayers b/c she is doing so well. But this is the time to pray more than ever. That she continues her upward and onwards strides to complete healing. We are overwhelmingly happy that Avery is a healthy baby, she just needs to gain a little weight. Let's pray that everything continues to go well for her and there are no setbacks in her progress. I see the Lord's hand every time I look at my beautiful daughter and I am blessed that He chose me to be her Mommy in this life! Praise the Lord for the work He is doing in Baby Girl!!

"She's having an excellent day!"- Day 10

Dresser filled w/ a million onesies!

Crib/Changing table minus her bedding

Comfiest.Rocking.Chair.Ever.

Yet to be completed bookshelf

Her fancy clothes to date. Sharing a closet w/ dad..how fast will his stuff get pushed out?!

Sorry this is about 8 hours late!! Yesterday I have to admit that I pushed myself to do too much, too soon. I completely forget (its easier than you think!) that I had major surgery 10 days ago and have taken nothing for pain at all in about a week. I went every 3 hours to Avery's touch times and then did about 6 things in between each touch time, including taking Bowie to Roanoke for his vet appt. When I got home at 7:30, I had planned to pump and go right back up to the hospital for her 8:30 touch time/kangaroo care. My husband, seeing that I couldn't even stay awake to pump barely, was gracious enough to not only call the NICU and arrange for me to kangaroo at 11:30, but told me to go sleep and he would drive me to the hospital when we were ready and rested. Bless that man! The 2 1/2 hours were exactly what I needed- kinda like a cup of coffee : ) Man, I miss coffee! I haven't had a cup since April. I wonder how weird it's going to be to re-introduce everything I haven't been able to have since being pregnant. Since I have about 16, 428 bottles of breastmilk frozen and baby girl is only getting 12 cc's every 3 hours, I'm toying with the idea of having a few cold beers tonight (maybe some pizza??) while Hubby watches the Ranger game and Kate and I cackle the night away. That's right, I'm having my first visitor @ home tonight, and I'm so excited! I've forgotten (quite literally) what's its like to have human interaction that doesn't involve my baby. Which is not to say that I don't love talking about her every moment I can... I completely do. I can yammer about this kid for hours, and all she does is eat, sleep and now POOP! But it will be nice to see my friend and slowly re-introduce myself to a few hours that aren't NICU related. 

Anyway, she was a little wriggle worm when we were snuggling last time. The nurses on duty had literally pulled rocking chairs into a circle and were practically yelling/laughing about the weirdest things while we were there... it irritated CJ so much he went and slept in the waiting room. I mean, this is supposed to be a restful time for the babies! Mom was able to tune the birds out and just focus on her sweet girl. I got to kiss her head about a billion times and caress her soft cheeks. Her skin is the best thing I've ever felt! We got home about 1 and went right to bed. I slept so good! (The best you can in 3 hour intervals anyway)

Back to our bebe's "excellent day"...this little lady had 2 (count em'...2!!) poopy diapers during the night!! 

8:30 AM- no residuals! At this time she had been taking 9 cc's like a champ. Dad got to change her diaper and we got some good face time with her. I don't know why, but I want to eat her up more in the morning time... she's still sleepy and yawning, but trying so hard to wake up. I just imagine her in her crib at home and me going in to wake her up, singing the "Wake Up/Good Morning" song to her and scooping her up into the biggest baby bear hug imaginable. I wish I knew what day she was coming home so I could make some sort of countdown calendar and say, "Only ___ More Days till our Babe Comes Home!!" All in God's time : )

11:30 AM- no residuals again (woohooo!) and so they upped her feedings to 12 cc's. They now put the syringe (which is quite large marge!) into an automatic dispenser that feeds her this amount over a 30 min period. I like this A LOT more as I feel it lets her little digestive tract not be overloaded all at once. They also changed her PICC line dressing (it had old blood in the bandage from when they originally put it in) so she is fresh and clean in the arm area. 

2:30 PM- only trace amount of residuals... which is AMAZE since they upped her feedings and actually told us they expected to get more back from her since it was a signicantly larger amount than she was used to. However, our girl is SuperBaby and surprised Mom and Dad by digesting everything! She also had a very small amount of poop in her diaper. I was shocked and so happy. She was really alert at this touch time, quiet, but just looking around and taking everything in. It melts me when she looks me right in the eye. I can't wait till she is big and we can be best friends! (I know this will last only until she about 10-12 and then I'll be the "uncool" mom and she'll hate that I'm alive to embarrass her... I'm soaking up this 9 years and 50 weeks while I can!!)

5:30 PM- This time she really pooped! We weren't there for this touch time, but always call to check on her. She also had no residuals! This is when Nurse Diane told CJ, "She's just having an excellent day!!" Well, we praise the Lord for that kind of news : )

8:30 PM- No residuals and no poop. I imagine she is fast asleep but waiting on Mom to come up and hold her. I hope somehow she looks forward to these times as much as I do.

11:30 PM- No residuals and no poop again. We did weigh her and she is up to 3 lbs 8 oz!! They were taking pictures of all the NICU babies with Halloween garb on to put in the nursery so I was fully excited to see Avery's pictures once they had taken them. This was our snuggle time and it's never long enough. I was told that the nurses would check with the doctors today and ask if I could hold her 2x a day now that she is over 1500 grams. Once kangaroo (skin to skin) and the other time would be with her swaddled in a blanket, but would allow us to look at her face to face, not in the isolette. Can I possibly tell you how overjoyed that would make me??? Something to definitely look forward to.

It looks like there was a pink explosion in our nursery, right?? I never thought I would overtly "girly" up our baby's nursery, but I have to say, I love looking in there and seeing everything so feminine and dainty ; ) I can't wait to get everything situated and put away/put together and for the time when I can sit back, kick my feet up in the amazingly comfortable rocking chair (THANK YOU MOM!!) and say, "It's done and its time to bring our baby home." I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that will be the best day of my life! 

While I was in the hospital and Avery's bowels were on the fritz, I kept thinking about this one song that I used to love about 8 years ago by a Christian singer named Jaci Velasquez. The lyrics of this particular song that kept coming into my head were "I get on my knees, there I am before the Love, that changes me, See I don't know how, But there's power, when I'm on my knees".  I literally haven't heard this song in as much time, but I so loved it. I dropped to my knees several times while in the hospital, begging the Lord to work in Avery's favor so that surgery and the contrast X-ray and transferring hospitals was not something we would have to explore. Well, fast forward to yesterday (and several miracles later!) when CJ and I came home from one of her touch times. CJ has taken to leaving the radio on for Bowie while we are out. We walked in and I heard it... that song. Those words. My heart stopped. I didn't say anything to my husband but after all this time never hearing that song and me having the lyrics on my heart and then.... it was overwhelming. A warm feeling came over me and I felt God so deeply in that moment. It was like a confirmation that He is listening and answering prayers. He is AWESOME and continues to daily bless our family and heal our child.  I know there are little ways that God lets us know He is here, and I love that I was able to experience that. 

Let's give God a big High Five and a huge THANK YOU for all He's doing in Baby Girl's life and body. We continue to pray for more poop/pee so that her jaundice levels will continue to drop. We pray that she will keep gaining healthy weight (as opposed to water weight) so that she is able to get big and strong. Let's pray that she tolerates these 12 cc's of milk and digests all of it to the nourishment of her body and that when the doctors increase her feeding, she will also be able to digest all of that successfully. As always, we banish all infections from her growing body in Jesus' name! Our healthy girl needs to stay healthy : ) I have faith it's all uphill from here!

Thanks for letting me be a day late with this one. I'm going to go visit the beeb right now with Dad and then come home and work on the current day (Thursday). Thank you also for reading and praying and sending us positive thoughts! xox

Houston, we have POOP!!!- Day 9

Avery was all smiles tonight! Last picture is what technically a "milk coma" looks like : )

Today was a momentous day in our little world! God is so faithful and awesome!! Our baby girl is doing so good. We're getting a schedule down of sorts and it's allowing Mom to get a little more rest than anticipated. I am going to her 8:30, 11:30 and 2:30 touch times- skipping the 5:30- and coming back to either kangaroo or watch Dad kangaroo with her at 8:30. After I pump at 4:30, I've been laying down till about 7:30, getting up to pump again and then going to the hospital. It's been a nice reprieve and a chance, albeit a small one to get some much needed sleep somewhere in between Avery and I's schedule. Her are Baby Girls stats for today by touch time:

8:30 AM: was fed 6 cc's of breastmilk and only gave back trace amounts. Mom and Dad both visited her this morning and got a kick out of her facial expressions... she is smiling and grunting, frowning and almost laughing it seems like. I love the times we see her together and hope more often than not she is able to associate Mommy and Daddy with our voices, smells, and faces. 

11:30 AM: Mommy came alone this time so Dad could finish his homework. I was told at this time that the doctor was pleased with her feeding progress and decided to up her amount to 9 cc's. I'm prone to think at this time that if she doesn't give back any residuals or just a small amount and it is purely breastmilk, they will raise her feeding level every 24 hours. While this makes me nervous that we are pushing her too hard, or asking her to take too much in a small amount of time, I have to have faith that she can do it and that God is watching over her and continually working in her favor to have no steps backward in her progress. Also her nurse told me that her platelet count is somewhere around 180-190, and the "normal" range is just over 150! Avery's body is gettin the hang of this! So thankful!

2:30 PM: Grandma came with Mom this time and was so happy to see Gracie... she was very much awake at the previous touch time and I think wore herself out a little so was a sleepy girl this afternoon. But she did open her eyes for some great pictures and Grandma got a few that she will really enjoy as well. Grandma was able to touch her feet and talk to her, and the best part was that she was there when Mommy changed her diaper and found poop!!!!!! I've never been more excited. Literally. I had tears of joy over a bowel movement. Welcome to motherhood? As I wiped her hiney, I congratulated my daughter on a stool well done. The nurse said her tummy sounded up and at em' with the stethescope, which is great news. She gave back only .2 of her 9 cc's as well!! SuperBaby!! This was such a great visit and Mom left reinvigorated about Avery's health and thanking the Lord a million times over. 

5:30 PM: We did not go to this touch time, however Dad called the NICU for progress while Mom got some shut eye. Avery gave back 2.5 cc's of milk this time, however the nurse said she was laying on her left side and that this amount was still "acceptable". (She digests much better on her stomach or right side, as her intestines run in such a way that when gravity is in charge, her food flows to the right first and for some reason, the best) She also pooped again!! This is fantastic news and we are so blessed by it.

8:30 PM: No poopy diaper this time (one can hope right??) but we did get her weighed again, and her official total is: 3 lbs 4.5 oz Holy. Moly. My kid is growing so fast and I LOVE IT. Keep that weight coming, Lord! She only needs to gain about another 20 grams to get special privledges in the NICU. (I say this without knowing fully what said priveledges are beyond that she gets a bath 3 times a week instead of 2. There are other things that are associated with weighing 1500 grams or more, and I will get the scoop when she hits that marker. Which hopefully is tomorrow night!!) It was Dad's turn to kangaroo, and at first she was a fussball, but quickly calmed down after Mom fed her her dinner. See: immediately fell into milk coma. She is the sweetest baby and I could watch her sleep the rest of my life and be in total heaven. This time she only gave back 1 cc of breastmilk so that was much better news for her digestion. I thought she is even looking less red... I cannot WAIT till she fattens up a little bit more and we can put a onesie on her and see her face/body fill out. Not that she doesn't look like a "real baby" right now, but she's got old man wrinkles that I'm excited to turn into fat baby rolls. Kangaroo care is never long enough, and eventually we had to put her back : ( Dad obliged Mom on the way home and stopped for some Oreos and milk (thank you Honey for allowing my sweet tooth to continue after pregnancy! I promise my hormones are still raging and this is in your best interest! Love you!) We went went straight to bed as we were both pretty exhausted.

11:30 PM: Mom was up at 1:30 to pump so I called the NICU just to check on her. She only gave back .8 of this feeding with no poopy diaper. She was still fast asleep and doing great. 

If today is not a testament to the power of God and prayer, I truly don't know what is. God is continuing to work on our child's health and everytime I pray over her, I feel more and more the strength that He is giving her. I don't know what else to say except all glory goes to Him for this miraculous turn of events. He is listening and we are blessed. It seems like I am praying every moment I'm not talking to someone else, and I actually feel a lot of peace about this. I do it without realizing that I'm talking to God, and now it's more of a conversation than a formal petition for intervention. What a cool evolution, for my spiritual growth at least. 

We continue to pray that Avery poops and pees on her own.

That she tolerates and digests fully the breastmilk that is being given to her, no matter what the amount. 

Pray that her jaundice levels continue to go down (they will retest her in a few days)

That she continues to gain weight and her health is strong and steady with no steps back in her progress. 

That her Brady episodes are few and far between. (She had about 3-4 today and one where her HR dipped into the 50's-60's for just a moment. The nurse explained that this generally happened when a baby was pushing/straining to go to the bathroom, and it happens to adults as well. It alllll is related to her being too young to do two things at once. Sucking/breathing, straining/breathing, being mad/breathing. She will grow out of this by week 34-36)

I had two special friends tell me today that this blog had a) strengthened their faith in God and b) made her rethink her decision to not have children. THANK YOU to my friends for sharing this with me. It has filled my heart with so much happiness, you will never know. While that was not my plan initially when starting this blog, I am even more encouraged to share how God is moving in our lives and the immense amount of love I have for my daughter now, and both are honestly easy to do. I love you both and hope this blog continues to bless you in those directions. 

5:14 AM and wide awake with gratitude and a little bit of an Oreo craving....pray and snack? I think so!!

See you folks tomorrow! Love to all!!

Day 8- We're home!

And while home is where the heart is, turns out it can thrive quite well in a hospital too : )

CJ and I got some wonderful news this morning at Avery's 8:30 touch time:

• All her labs came back normal
• Her jaundice level continues to decline (4.5 today from 7.5 on Saturday). They took her off all the UV lights and blanket and hope to see her levels continue to get even lower
• Platelet levels are still rising
• Head sonogram came back completely normal! No bleeds or anything suspect.
• She was tolerating the 3 cc's of breastmilk with no residuals all evening and had only .5 cc and 1 cc of residuals this morning. However, they were just breastmilk with no green nasty stuff and the doctor said to just go ahead and refeed her that and add her normal feeds on top (he literally crossed his fingers as he walked away, but said she was looking good and making positive progress) 
• Also on that note, he doubled her feeding amount to 6 cc's! CJ and I were initially very skeptical about this as we think it'd be easier for her to move up to 4-5, stay there a few days, then move up a couple more cc's, etc. I feel that shocking her digestive system might possibly work against us... but having to trust the doctors is something I need to learn. And so far, she has only given back less than .5 one time, 1 cc another time, and at 8:30 she had nothing! So maybe Mom and Dad are wrong (and we'll be happy to be wrong about this one!) I have faith that our little girl is a SuperBaby and can conquer any amount (eventually) we put in her belly.
• She did poop twice today, but only after her enema. This was the last one they have ordered for her so far, so we are really focused right now on getting her "lazy gut" (yes, she has unfortunately inherited this problem from me.... I've already apologized profusely for it) up and moving on her own.
• She had a couple Brady episodes, but were so quick and easily righted on her own, they aren't even worth mentioning (except that I think anything she does is worth mentioning). There is another little one in the NICU who Brady's about 10 times every time we are there and I am so thankful our daughter isn't having to go through any breathing problems like that. 

It was very surreal coming back to the apartment. Bowie stared at me for about a full minute clearly not comprehending what was going on. Then he did. And he went spastic nuts. I really did miss the little guy, but its funny how pre-Avery (as anyone that really knows me can attest) my dog was pretty much my soft spot. Ohhhhh how many fights I've gotten into with people about that dang dog! He totally melts me though, and I can't really pinpoint why. And though I still love Bowie so very much, the maternal instinct I had previously felt for him has definitely waned. I can safely say that while Bowsnickers is a vital part of our family, he is just a pet. I have that desperate, aching love for a human that came from me and my husband, and that is the most powerful emotion I've ever felt in my life. And the most awesome. 

Speaking of awesome, Christopher put together the whole nursery while I was gone. I'm talking full assembly on the crib, changing table and dresser. It was so lovely to come home and see that our little girl has her own space. It will be fun to decorate everything once we get into a concrete schedule and have a better grip on what our lives post hospital are going to be. Shockingly, I only fell apart one time today and it wasn't even that bad. I just miss her. I want to be able to look at her 24 hours a day, and while I know she is busy getting well enough to come home, it doesn't negate the fact that my body and heart and soul yearn for her. Our kangaroo care time tonight was amazing.... I talked to her almost the whole time and we prayed together and made plans for when she was able to come home with me. Her little hands kill me when she moves them around on my chest... she's incredible. I had a nurse tell me today a) I looked exhausted. I'm sure this isn't helped at all by the fact that I AM perpetually exhausted, am ghost white, have two toned hair and walk like someone hit me in the stomach with a bat. And b) that I shouldn't wear myself out coming up for every single touch time, since in reality, I can only touch her for about 30 min if that. She said the really important times to come every time are going to be when they introduce the bottle to her (which hopefully is in 2 weeks). So, CJ and I decided it would be best to just do her 11:30 and 2:30 times, skip the 5:30 and I would go kangaroo care at 8:30. Of course, I have stayed up to call and see how she did on residuals, etc at 11:30 since I can't be there. As of that time:

• Avery Grace gained a whopping 41 kilograms from last night!! I am inclined to think a lot of that is the increased feedings with no stool coming out, and hope that its not fluid retention or something else more concerning. That brings her weight to 3 pounds, 1.42 oz... almost back to her birth weight. 
• She had NO residuals from her 8:30 feeding! Wooohoooooo!
• No poopy diaper yet

I'll post a picture tomorrow of what CJ and I worked on today (mostly CJ, but I'll take just a little bit of credit!) I love my husband so much for the complete evolution I see in him from man to dad. I am reminded of this plaque that sits in my Dad's office that rings true now in my life: "Anyone can be a father. It takes a special person to be a Daddy." Yes kids, the cliches are true. Seeing my husband fawn over Avery, her nursery, her baby clothes has taken my love and appreciation for him to a level I never knew existed. I am blessed. 

Prayer Requests

That Avery continues to tolerate her food with no residuals.

She begins to poop on her own (I hope God doesn't blush when this topic comes up).

That her relatively large weight gain in one day is only because she's eating more and not stooling, NOT due to any infection or other problem. 

Her overall health continues to hold steady.

(Also non-baby related, if you could say a quick prayer for my friend Amber's grandfather please. He is in the hospital unexpectedly and had emergency surgery. I am praying for healing and peace for my sweet friend and her family. God is faithful, and He hears what we ask for! Thank you!)

I am bowled over by God's power to answer prayers today. As you can see, He is listening and answering and we are more grateful than ever before. I was able to spend some time at the chapel in the hospital this morning in prayer and thanks.... it was so nice. I always feel like my Grandma is with me during tough times and as I was leaving, I asked her to just go ahead and stay with Avery. She needs some quality Grandma hugs right about now! How I WISH Avery could have met my Grandma... I think being a parent is only rivaled by becoming a grandparent, and the only thing better is being a GREAT grandparent... and my Grandma would have been just that... great. 

I wish that I could individually and specially thank every single person who is praying for our family. If I'm lucky, one day I will. There is no greater feeling than to know people have your back, and that's exactly how supported we feel right now. My prayer warriors, you are MY LIFE SAVERS! Please don't think that we don't ever need your tiny prayer. Because no prayer is small. If you believe in what you asking, I believe it will be done. And I thank you, every day, every moment, for how your prayers are moving in our lives. 

Hope this finds you happy and blessed! Till tomorrow....

Happy 1 Week Baby Day! (32 week gestational age)

Avery & her 1 week old sign; Dad and Bebe during kangaroo care tonight

I can't believe its been a whole week since our precious girl was born. It feels like yesterday, and alternately like it happened 16 years ago! Time is such a funny thing. I imagine this doesn't get any easier either... the nurses in the NICU tell me that our remaining time here (since it will most likely be plagued with "two steps forward, one step back") will seem to go so slowly, but at the end when we are taking her home, will seem like it's flown by in a blip. Alrighty then, I'm ready for this part to whiz past me!! Although I'm also acutely aware that my baby is A WEEK OLD!! She can't be a week old.... she's growing up on me too fast ; )

Today was a good day for us. She had no Brady episodes last night and also continued to not give back anything when they checked her stomach contents. (Praise the Lord!!) At her 8:30 touch time, she did have about 1/2 a cc of this yellow/green mucous stuff, but they showed it to the nurse practioner and were told to keep up her feeds. At her 11:30 touch time, the same thing happened with the mucous. We also got to give her a bath! I love, love, LOVE washing her hair! Don't ask me why... okay, I'll tell you why. It's absolutely gorgeous hair for a flipping baby. All the nurses/people that see her remark about her hair... it's like she has natural highlights or something. (Please God, let this hold out until she has a job and can pay to have her own hair colored) She did really well during her bath, but of course Mom is hyper vigilent about her baby girl, so I did notice that she was not really that active. She was kicking here and there, but her eyes were almost always closed, she was yawning more than usual and just very... lethargic. I knew from previous conversations that this continued behavior could signal an infection. The nurses, CJ and I decided to wait until her 2:30 touch time to see if she woke up anymore, and if not, we would call the nurse practioner and see what she thought we should do. 

Lo and behold, at the 2:30 touch time, Avery was awake and ready to have her poopy diaper changed! She was extremely active and we decided that she just had a sleepy morning. Which actually is a very good thing, as her body is healing itself the most while she is in REM sleep. She got just a tiny bit of yellow stuff back in her tube, which no one was concerned about. My daughter's very petulant nature was showing at this time, as the sweet nurse Jessica (my favorite NICU nurse.... am I allowed to show favoritism in this area? All of the nurses are amazing!) was trying to take her blood pressure. It read high initially, so she tried to hold Avery's legs a little to keep her from kicking and thus making it read higher than it really was. She had to take it 3 different times b/c every time she took it, Avery's BP was higher and higher... it coincided with how hard she was trying to kick the cuff off of her! I think Jessica called her Stinker and Booger about 15 times today, but that made Mom happy, especially when she got a true reading of perfect pressure. Her next touch time she got back NO residuals and Grandma was able to come and say hi to her for about half an hour. Avery also pooped for a second time! (Lovely how excited I get about poop... as my sweet Sophia tells me, "Ladies do NOT talk about poop". Sorry S Bear, but this time I have to!) I have to say, even though being in the hospital for close to 7 weeks has not been the epitome of fun, it has been such a pleasure to spend the great deal of time with my mom. We have grown so much as friends in this time, and I wouldn't trade it for anything. She can me laugh (and make me crazy) like no one else can, and I'm so blessed by her close presence in my life and Avery's life. She is totally going to be a Grandma's girl! (As long as Grandma does not make her wear headbands with bows/flowers the size of her head.....Mom, don't even think about it). 

At 8:30 Dad got to spend some QT with the little one while Mom went upstairs and got some more milk made up for her. The nurses told me today that since Avery hasn't been eating and even now is only taking such a small amount that they have an entire shelf in their freezer with just my milk in it. Whoops : ) They said when I leave the hospital and pump at home, to freeze it and leave it there and they will let me know when to bring some more up. That is way better in my book than not producing enough for her. I'm thankful!! And can't wait till she tolerates more milk. Nurse Jess listened to her tummy today and said that it was rumbling up a storm (compared to yesterday when the nurse heard nothing), so we are definitely moving in the right direction as far as her bowels. However, when they checked her tummy contents this evening, she gave back about 2 of 3 cc's of her milk : ( Maybe she just wasn't hungry? When we got there, she was sprawled out on her back, and I'm thinking that could be why she didn't digest all of it. She always does good when she's on her tummy or right side, so I made sure she was on her stomach/right side for kangaroo care and afterwards when they wrapped her up in baby burrito. Praying for full digestion at 11:30!!! She did have a Brady episode while Dad was holding her tonight, but he said she recovered immediately with no outside help. Being on Dad's chest is obviously pretty dang comfortable,and who could blame a girl for forgetting to breath for just a moment?? There was no doctor today, so no labs or anything were run. She still weighed in at 3 pounds, so hopefully she gains a little by tomorrow night.

Ahhhhh, tomorrow. So many things are about to happen. This is my last night in the hospital. I am actually incredibly sad about this! I do not want to go home without my child. I can't imagine what will be going through my mind as I walk all my stuff down to the car in the morning, sit in the passenger seat as my husband drives me back to our apartment, back to our old life... the life I don't feel like I necessarily recognize any more. My life changed in an instant, and is continuing to change every day. CJ finished the nursery today (thank you my Love, for everything you do to make me happy. I can't wait to finish this with you for our sweet girl and I know she will appreciate all you've done for her one day! Probably not till she's 22, but still!!) I'm nervous that instead of feeling happy when I go into her nursery, I will be sad that she's not in there to fill it up. I don't want a constant reminder that our baby isn't with us, but I don't think I will need the nursery in order to feel that way in the first place. I pray that that room will be a place of excitement and love, and I'm grateful that I have some time in order to make it perfect before Avery comes home. I plan on being at the hospital as much as possible, but will most likely at some point need someone (or multiple people) to stage an intervention and tell me that Avery isn't going to die if I'm not at every single touch time. I do want to try to get back to a somewhat normal existance, where I eat dinner with my husband, walk the dog in the mornings, have a drink with my friends, visit my families houses just because. Heck, I even made a hair appointment for my birthday next week! I know Avery doesn't care that Mom has roots about a mile long, and to be honest, neither do I really. But everyone keeps saying I need to do something for myself for the big 2-7, and so I will try. More than anything I know I just need to rest. Sleeping in 2 hour intervals really wears on a girls face, I can tell you that! My apologies in advance to whomever happens to be on the other end of the phone line when I call tomorrow hysterical over being a "bad mom" for leaving my girl... Lord, let me just get through tomorrow in one piece!

Tomorrow they will most likely draw all labs on Avery... she is looking less red, so we pray that her jaundice levels continue to drop. I really want her to be able to put on some clothes soon, which they can do once they are off the UV lights. They are also going to do a head sonogram (merely a routine procedure for all preemie babies) to see if she has any bleeding in her brain. The nurses assure me that this is really rare in a baby her age, they mostly see this more predominantly in 23-28 week old babies. Still, I worry. Shocker, I know. 

Prayer Requests

• That tomorrow's labs come back all clean- we pray for no infections, continued lowering of jaundice levels, and all other bloodwork to be at a healthy level.
• That the sonogram of her head shows no bleeds at all or anything else abnormal.
• That she continues to process and digest all of her food completely, giving back no residuals and that she starts to poop all on her own without the enemas!!
• That she gains weight, even a little, we will take it! 
• That clinically, she continues to be a healthy baby. We pray that her "lazy bowels" start/continue to move and work more, so that her feeds can be increased and we can progress in the right direction as far as feeding goes. 

Today, like every day, we give all glory and thanks to God for our little girl being where she is today. He truly and honestly shows Himself in her progress every day, and we are so blessed that she is doing as well as she is. Mom forgets she is only a week old! I think she is SuperBaby! As God so eloquently reminds me, we continue to trust in Him that Avery will be just fine and He is taking care of any issues she may have. There is a peace that comes with knowing everything is going to work out, even in the scary times. Thank you Lord for being constant and letting us know that You are never far from us or our child. You are awesome!!

Going to check in with her at 11:30 before retiring for the evening. Thanks to everyone for reading, praying and loving us! xox

Day 6- Everyone has bad days, right??

Avery laying on Dad's chest for Kangaroo Care in her new hat!

I apologize in advance, as this post might tend more towards Mama than Baby. I promise, there won't be too many of these, as I truly do want to chronicle my sweet daughters progress more than anything in the world. Today was just a rough one for me, and if I know nothing else about myself, it is that writing is something I am passionate about enjoying. It allows me to think and feel out situations that overwhelm me in the beginning. So if you want to skip the mini-pity party, I completely and honestly understand. Tomorrow is a new day and no matter what, we continue to have complete faith our babe is headed in the right direction for total healing.

This morning started off fairly normal. We went to see her for her 8 o'clock Touch Time and the nurse told us that Gracie had been really fussy about half an hour earlier, so she went ahead and started all her care stuff since the babe was already awake. By the time we got there, she was passed out again. I wanted to know why all of the sudden it seemed like Avery was crying more (amateur mom question, I know). Apparently, this is a good sign! It means she is starting to get hungry and that indicates her bowels/tummy are waking up a little. Her sucking is also excellent, so when her belly is ready, she shouldn't have any trouble taking a bottle. You go, girrrrlllllll!! But I have to admit, I was bummed I couldn't touch her and say good morning to her. My mom and I just stared at her for a long time, and that was good enough. The nurse said she had pulled about half a cc of light green bile from her feeding tube, which I thought was a good sign. Less amount and lighter color = positive in my book, or so I had been told. I knew the doctor was rounding about an hour from then and would decide whether or not to start her back on my breastmilk, so I had some time to run to Wally World for my very first Mommy purchase!! (Believe me folks, this is what gets my wheels turning now-a-days...so long margaritas, hello nipple cream!) I did have to pick up the latter, along with some breast pads and other care items. What a wild woman. CJ had said something that really resonated with me regarding Avery's feeding, so I called the NICU as soon as we got back to discuss it with the nurse practioner. Since we kept stopping Avery's feeds and then starting back up at 6 cc's and clearly her bowels weren't handling that, wouldn't it make more sense to start her on a lower amount and see how that worked? (This is one of many reasons my husband rocks.... I would have never thought of that) This is when the nurse informed me that yes, she would discuss that option with the doctor when he rounded, but the fact of the matter was that ANY green bile (no matter the amount or color) was not good. Well, silly me. She said she was inclined to hold off on starting her feeds again until there was no residuals at all. My mind immediately went to, "Well how long is THAT going to take?? She has to eat sometime!!" She told me that after the doctor checked Avery out, they would both be up to speak with me.

Today's Medical Info

• As of this evening, our sweet girl officially weighs 3 pounds!! woohoooo for fatter baby!! We pray that she continues to gain weight, as this will help so many things for her health wise. 
• Her jaundice level has gone down again... it is at 7.5- was 9.5 a few days ago. They have taken her off the lights (and peeled those velcro circle stickers off her temples, thank God) and she is now back in only the baby burrito blanket with the UV light built in. She is still red, but looking even less... can't wait to get off everything so I can soak her in lotion! She will look back on this one day as a woman and think how terribly ashy she looks : )
• She had 2 Brady episodes last night and 2 during the day today. But both nurses said that she righted her self extremely quickly, which is great. She is on caffiene, perhaps until she is 34 weeks to help the Brady episodes not be so deep, and this does not hurt her in any way. Having these is normal for preemies and it is outstanding she does not require any help for breathing. 
• They are going to give her enemas every 12 hours for 3 days in order to stimulate her bowel since she's not going on her own. Good news: she IS going (a lot) when they do the enemas (atta girl!!) and they even had to move her up to the next size diaper b/c she was filling up the preemie ones.
• Tomorrow is her bath day again! Dad and Mom are looking forward to this. Her hair is so blonde and pretty when its clean. This isn't medically relevant but dang, she is pretty cute huh??

So, the nurse practioner and physician come in. They tell me that clinically, Avery is kicking butt. Her belly isn't distended, it's soft, and her bloodwork and levels and exams are all normal. At this point, they are still leaning towards immature bowel. The nurse listened to her gut this morning and there was no rumbling. She said that even though Avery isn't "eating" (still getting her nourishment from different IV fluids) she should still be having bowel movement (and pooping). Obviously, neither are happening. However, when they draw from her stomach tube 3 hours after they give her anything, whatever was in her stomach is gone... which means she is processing most of it. But the green bile means her gut is not tolerating all of it. The doctor said even though they've done 3-4 x-rays that have come out great, there still might be a very small perforation or blockage somewhere that is causing these issues. If the time comes to investigate further, they will have to transfer her to Medical City Dallas or Plano and do an x-ray with contrast. That is also where a surgical team is located, should she require that. (We are in constant prayer that it does not reach this level of seriousness. If they transfer her, odds are she would stay there in their NICU until coming home with us. Obviously it is a lot farther than the 10 min from our house that this hospital is, so our lives would again be so different if that came into play. Also I cannot breathe when I think about them having to do any type of surgery on my baby...the fact that she has a raw spot on her neck is enough to make me break into ugly-cry sobs in Chili's). They have assured me that there are several different options we are going to explore (if need be) before we jump to transferring her. I needed to hear this from roughly 10 different medical professionals before I semi- started to believe it. The plan for today was to give her 6cc's of saltwater at 12 PM and see how much we get back and what color it is at 2:30 PM. If there is green bile, she will continue to be NPO (no feedings) until further notice. This is just continuing to give her gut a rest in order to start working on its own. They initially put the saltwater in and drew it right back out to make sure they were starting with a clean slate (no green). It was indeed all clear. 

My dad and I went down to the NICU and got to change her and spend some great time with her. She actually smiled about 6-7 times for my dad!! Cutest.thing.ever. I think she has a ticklish spot on her arm as every time he would rub it, she smiled. I can't wait to hear this girls laugh.... praying that she hasn't inherited Mom's hyena, wheeze-like laugh, but I feel like that would endear me to her even more. As if that was possible! It was awesome to see Avery and Grandpa bond (and yes Dad, that IS your grandparent name, so suck it up)...I can tell already she is going to love her grandparents to death. She responds also to my mom's voice, which is so cool. My mom sang to her while she and I were on bedrest in the hospital and Avery always kicked around when she heard her. It was a really good half hour, but as always, I'm waiting on the next hurdle to jump. I felt really called to go to the chapel and just let it all out to God. I have been there a few times since being admitted and there is always a serene, calming presence that overtakes me when I'm in that room. I know it's the Holy Spirit and I wish I could stay in there all day! I got down on my knees and wept. I told Him how thankful I was for Avery, and how grateful I am that she is not a sick baby. That I couldn't live without her and how I needed strength to get through this hiccup in her progress. I told Him that I knew He has never left my side, has never once left Avery alone, and I am so thankful for that. I can see His hand in her healing every day... and all I could truly feel at this moment was something deep inside of me saying, "Trust me. That's all you have to do. Just trust in Me that I have this all figured out and handled and our baby is going to be okay. Give this to Me."  I am notoriously a control freak. Giving things over to other people isn't my strong suit. But I know this is my only (and best) option. I left the chapel feeling like things were finally going to turn around. 

But when I got the call at 2:30 that they had drawn out bile again and were going to continue to not do feedings, I pretty much lost it. I'm ashamed that I wasn't able to hold it together better. I was frustrated, sad, defeated maybe a little. Okay, maybe more than a little. I was FOR SURE this was the day it was going to turn around for Avery. As I pumped this milk that was supposed to be nourishing my child and instead was perhaps somehow not working well with her body, I thought....well, I don't know what I thought, exactly. Not positive things. I have only been sleeping maybe an hour at a time, if that, since she was born. My body and mind are functioning purely on an adreneline level. I truly want to cry every second of the day. I have to laugh inwardly (but graciously) when people tell me they admire how strong I am. What does that really mean? That I'm not hysterical 24 hours a day? I kind of am, on the inside. That I'm not waving my fist and cursing God for letting this happen to us? NEVER. I have long since abandoned wondering the reasons surrounding her early birth. Because truly and thoroughly, I trust that this has always been God's plan for me, for us, for Avery. But I digress. Today, I boo-hooed. I tangled wildly with a quiet depression. I let myself not smile through the pain, both physical and emotional. My husband took me to dinner, of which I wasn't hungry for and had to fight tears through. What a great date I turned out to be! 

We returned to the room as I had to pump before we started her kangaroo care tonight (Mommy's turn and BOY did she need it today!) As I prepared all my "supplies", the room's phone rang. It was the nurse practioner, telling us that they had drawn her stomach tube contents and done another physical exam about half an hour before. The bile they got was really, really small and as her belly continues to be soft and not distended, the doctor had decided to go ahead and start her tonight on 3 cc's of breastmilk and see how she does. The reasoning behind this turn of events decision was that this was the least amount of bile they've gotten back and perhaps they just needed to give her bowels something in the hopes and the tides are turning for her. They still wanted me to come down for kangaroo care and they would feed her while I was holding her. Okay Lord, we've been granted OT! I rushed downstairs, so eager to hold my girl and pray over her as we rested together. She immediately nestled in mom's arms and fell fast asleep. It was the first time all day I had breathed deeply. I smelled her, I kissed her, I stroked her hair. I am in such a deep state of bliss when she is against me. Dad came down as well and we talked about her nursery. Dad was a wild man today! He picked up her crib/changing table, dresser and rocker, cleaned out the guest room and started to put everything together. He is very concerned with finishing the nursery before she comes home, and while he knows it will be awhile before that happens, I am glad that he has such inititive to do such things. Hopefully in the next couple weeks I can put the finishing touches on everything and start her library. This girl is gonna be a reader just like her Mama! 

11:30 was the magic hour. (sidenote: I started writing this post after kangaroo care and before her next touch time at 11:30. I would officially like to rename the title of this post to: "Day 6- God has some tricks up His sleeve!!)  Walking out of my room to her touch time felt like marching to a death sentence. Dramatic? Yes. Have you met me? But seriously, its the pit of your stomach dread and I flip flopped between knowing that this was THE time things would be different, and doubting my assuredness. Its extremely exhausting to get so wound up every time you're expecting miraculous news only to see that dang green bile being pulled out of her tube. My heart was racing. I rang the buzzer and they let me in. Her nurse came around the corner and said the most beautiful words I've ever heard. "I just checked her tube and we got nothing back at all. Would you like to change her diaper and feed her again?"  My heart literally stopped. My knees buckled. I put my hands to my face and started to cry. I asked the nurse, who I'm sure by this time thinks I'm completely looney toons, if I could hug her. She sweetly obliges, but doesn't go for the full body embrace I'm trying to force on her, haha! I washed my hands and ran around the corner. Ahhhh, there was my fighter! I wanted to high five her baby hand. The nurse told me that yes, this was obviously great news, but it is the NICU's job to prepare you for worse case. She said our time in the NICU will be punctured with great feeds and not so great feeds, and if I intended on keeping any semblance of my sanity, I shouldn't put so much into every single event. She is right, of course. But hey, let me celebrate that this is the first time we haven't gotten back ANY RESIDUALS!!!! I prayed over her bowels again and thanked God a half million times for being so loyal, so merciful. My eyes are about to quit on me, but I had to get all this in before bed. I'll go drop off some milk at 4 and see how her 2:30 feed went. 

Prayer Requests

That Avery Grace continues to digest completely her food, no matter how much it is. That most importantly, we continue to get back no residuals in her feeding tube. That she keeps gaining weight and stays healthy. That she continues on this upward track of progress.

I thank you Lord for all these blessings, and know that without You, none of this would be possible. We continue to honor you, to praise you, to glorify you with our lives, and thank you for everything you have done for our daughter. All the glory goes to Him!!

*Also thanks to my friends Amber and Cortney, who have messaged me such sweet, gracious words that have blessed me and stayed with me today when I was sad. Words of encouragement are so uplifting and beneficial, and I am so grateful to you ladies for lifting me up when I didn't feel like I could do so myself. I love you!!

Good night everyone...

The PICC is in!

The nurse called us around 3:45 this afternoon and told us that they had inserted the PICC line into our sweet girl's arm. Gracie obviously did not appreciate that and fussed/cried a lot, but that is to be expected when someone is poking around in your veins! All the activity had tired her out, but we still wanted to at least see her for our 4 o'clock Touch Time. Once we got down there, the nurse filled us in a bit more. The first time they put it in and took an xray, it showed the catheter had curled up in her vein by her shoulder. So they took it out, tried again and took another xray to confirm it was in the right place. The second time it was, so they secured it.

We were hoping they would be able to go up through her leg as opposed to her arm (which the vein they are in is right by her heart), but alas, that was not what ended up occuring. Of course my main concern now is the risk of infection or since she is such a wiggle worm that she will somehow dislodge the catheter and it will somehow pierce her aorta. Another nurse was quick to tell me that the risk of infection for the PICC line is basically the same as any IV and that while it is possible for the PICC to kind of move around in the larger vein and even come out, it is not feasible for it to go further/deeper from where it now is. This IS a comfort to CJ and I... although we will worry no matter what. It does help to hear from other nurses that the PICC line is a safe option for our child and that the risks are minimal in the long run (thank you Siobhan!!) and any other feedback is also greatly appreciated. We never get tired of hearing about other babies beating the odds stacked against them, as we have complete faith that Avery is going to pull through this as well.

She gave back about 1 cc of the bile at 4 PM, which is still a small amount and it was less dark than last time, which is a relatively good thing. Yes, in a perfect world, she would have no residuals, BUT we will take what we can get. The nurse even said that when they were x-raying her for the PICC line that they could see her bowels looked even better than they had this morning! Praise the Lord!! I know in my heart there is no obstructions or problems in Avery's bowels, she just needs time to warm them up. She isn't stooling on her own yet either, which isn't a necessarily "good" thing, however, since we know her bowels aren't really moving that much, this isn't too much of startling thing. We got to take her temp and change her diaper. She is able to follow our voices around with her eyes (although they are cross eyed at times and super funny). I am in constant amazement at how much she is able to do at only 5 days old. She holds her paci in with her hands, for crying out loud! The thing is as big as her noggin! How sick could she really be?! : )  They put her back on the jaundice lights as well as the blanket...apparently double baking her can't do any harm, and we are all for whatever will break down the concentrated red blood cells in her body the fastest. Everytime I see her I think she looks less and less red (which is true to a certain extent) and then I put my own skin up to her and see the difference.

Dad is going to do her kangaroo care tonight, which I think is the sweetest thing ever. I do make him shave his chest so the scruffies will not irritate her skin though!! They are absolutely precious together, and I thank God every time I see him and her interact. I know that a lot of women aren't as blessed as I am to have partners who are so invested in their babies, and I never take that for granted. A lot of times, CJ will ask the doctors the really important logical questions that Mom just plain forgot! My mind is on different aspects of her health/recovery, while CJ is able to step back from a non-emotional standpoint and say, "Hey, what about this instead of this?" I am so grateful to be married to this man who loves our child as much as I do. The weight he has carried and continues to carry (full load of school work, taking care of the house/dog, catering to a hospital-bound wife daily, balancing all the financial burden of switching to a one-income household) while keeping his sanity absolutely amazes me. While I would never wish this situation on anyone or be necessarily glad that things turned out this way, I can say that he and I's relationship is stronger than ever and we remain the best of friends in every way. There are times I will lay awake at night, with him on the cot next to me, and just think about the past 2 years of our lives together. I am filled with such happiness, such gratitude, so much joy that God chose me to be his wife, to be Avery's mom. While things are not always perfect, He has always given us the strength to get through one more day, and then the day after that, and the day after that.

As I was talking to my step-mom tonight, and I was telling her the same thing I say everyday, (I just want her to be better now), it dawned on us at the very same time that, in essence, we have had every single prayer answered since she's been in the NICU, with the exception of her bowel issue. How could I have missed this?? We are so very blessed to have her be doing as well as she is. So when praying this afternoon, I merely gave thanks. No requests to the Big Man. Just utter and complete gratitude to God that he has heard all our prayers and is answering these in His own way in most importantly, in His own time. Although we would love for all these health issues to be wrapped up in a matter of days, that is not realistic. (Well, miracles DO happen through God, and that's what we are banking on!) However, considering everything else she has overcome in 5 days, it is not shocking that her bowels are taking a little while to catch up. I need to remember this every day, even though it is hard to do. She is a fighter (feisty is the word almost all the nurses and doctors have used) and we continue to trust that the Lord will provide her with fully functional bowels when the time is right.

Let's continue to lift baby girl up in prayer for her complete healing and that her body will stave off any infection associated with the PICC line! Also, continued good news about her little bowels and that they will start to gear up and in the right direction to take Mom's milk and gain weight.

Thank you everyone!! Mom and Dad are off to do kangaroo care and see how AG is doing this evening. Till tomorrow...