She's Here!!

They quickly rolled me into the Operating Room and gave me a Spinal Block. Before I knew it, the blue sheet went up and I could feel them pulling and pushing my insides... let me tell you, it was not the most pleasant experience. It's a very weird and all together strange situation... I just kept focusing on CJ's eyes and praying with every ounce of strength I had that she would be born alive. All I wanted was to hear her cry. I had received two rounds of steroid shots for her lungs in the weeks leading up to this day; I was assured this would help immensely in the long run of her life and recovery after being born. Hearing "She's out!" followed closely by what sounded kind of like a kitten angrily meowing was quite literally the best feeling I had ever had. I breathed. I relaxed. She was safe. CJ was telling me she was beautiful and she was all ours. I tried to focus on her face across the room, but I was too medicated at the moment to feel anything other than relief. While they stiched me up, the nurses wheeled her incubator over to me so I got to see her profile before they took her to the NICU. I just remember telling her I loved her and stay strong until Mommy could get back to her. CJ went with her to the NICU and I was taken back to the room that had been my home for the past 5 weeks. It was all very surreal. I wasn't in any pain yet, but the feeling very shortly returned to my feet and legs. I touched my stomach and realized I would never feel her kick inside me anymore. There is a profound sense of loss that swept over me at that moment... I was so mad at my body for not allowing me to carry her safely for longer. For making her life more difficult by failing her at this stage in the pregnancy game. Family came in and told me how beautiful and perfect she was. I found out she scored an 8/9 on the Apgar scale, which is AMAZING for a 31 week old baby. It was my first proud moment as a Mom! I was on a lot of pain meds and so I apologize for the rusty remembrance of the rest of the events of this day. It was the most wonderful day of my life though... I saw her in the NICU unit and though she did have wires and monitors on her tiny body, I just knew that she was strong. I innately knew that this was not a place that would become her long term home. And every day, she continues to prove me right about that!