And we're home!! (also titled: Happy 6 week Baby Day!! 37 weeks gestational age)

My big girl hanging out in her carseat...in the kitchen.

The love of my life, smiling for Momma!

Dad cleaning up baby pee

"What's that you say??"

I know what you're thinking, Mom...

Go ahead, make my day

Come here, I'll give ya a little smooch

Dad "holding" the baby (and playing video games)

She stayed like this for 7 min straight! Hilarious!

Well, we are surviving! We are so happy. Even through the haze of no sleep, we are so thankful to be sleepless. Because that means our babe is home, and she's healthy and that's the best news ever! I've been a little camera happy, as you can tell. I can't help it really... she's so dang cute. Enjoy! Obviously there will be many more to come : )

Saturday night was much like Friday. She slept in the bassinet portion of her Pack n Play... or rather, grunted and groaned in said bassinet portion. We barely got any sleep. This chick is LOUD. However, thankfully, her feedings are going really well. She is consistently eating about 2 oz every 3 hours, which is such a large leap from where we started. She is starting to wake up about 15-30 min before she is scheduled to eat and whimpering. Last night she even started to cry a little! Crying is a big deal for this little one, mainly because she really never does it. I know, I know, how crazy am I to actually want her to cry?! But its just a sign of maturity, if she begins to wake up and cry when she's hungry/wet/etc. So I'm secretly rooting for it. Don't tell CJ. 

Thankfully the next day was Sunday and we got to be lazy all day. CJ got up with her around 9 and let me sleep for a few more hours. She completely has her days and nights mixed up, and thoroughly enjoys snoozing all day and grunting/squirming all night. Hopefully as she gets older and wakes up more, we are able to get her into more of a normal routine. Especially when Mommy has to go back to work! I couldn't even fathom being up every 3 hours with her and then going to an 8-9 hour a day job and functioning at a passable level. Thank you Lord that my job is so understanding and wonderful enough to let me come back when everyone is ready. I really am so blessed in that regard. 

Sunday was also bath day, and since we got to bring home her tub from the hospital, this was going to be an easy event for Avery Grace. Except that the little stinker was getting all cleaned up by Mom and Dad when she unceremoniously shotgun pooped into her water. We stared at eachother in abject terror. WHAT DO WE DO NOW?!? I commanded the lead, "Put her in the sink!!" There is the small plastic tub that I took from the hospital to wash my breast pump parts in, which she was promptly lowered (slash squeezed) into. I ran to the bathroom and threw the poopy tub into my bathtub and turned the water on. I madly dashed back into the kitchen to make sure no one was breaking my baby. Let me tell you something I learned yesterday during bathtime: Babies are slippery when wet. We had the hardest time getting all her nooks and crannies clean when she was so soapy. When she's splayed out in her normal tub, it was relatively easy. But not when she's squooshed into a 6x6 plastic tub. We warmed a towel and put her in it as fast as we could. She was so docile and calm... I walked her back into her nursery with stars in my eyes. And pee running down my leg onto the carpet. Her pee. I had to laugh. I yelled for CJ, and being the OCD maniac that he is, the man immediately wiped down every inch of Avery's lower half with wipes and got on his hands and knees with carpet cleaner in a minute flat. 

Other than that, we've really been quite boring. My dad finally got to hold the baby bear. It was so amazing to watch them together. The love that I know he feels for my daughter is electric. I can't wait for her to grow up and have some of the experiences with him that I did when I was younger. In all the ways he maybe isn't the best dad, I know he will excel at being a grandfather. I couldn't ask for a better one for my child. Grandpa Warbucks, we love you!! 

Grandma came over today and held Avery while I showered and did laundry. Bless you, Grandma! We are so thankful for you! She also got AG to burp when I couldn't..... let me just say that patting a little girl's back for 5-10 minutes is not exactly my idea of fun. I mean, I'll do it. And I'll get frustrated because she is clearly so uncomfortable and squirmy and turning freaking purple, and yet I can maybe get one burp out every time she eats, if I'm lucky. 2 burps per feeding would be the greatest Christmas present I could ever get. Can I write to Santa about that? How many cookies do you think it would take to get me 16 burps a day? 

Generally speaking, she is a perfect baby. I mean, I have little to compare her to. But she doesn't cry, she eats well, and she sleeps most of the time. I know as she gets older, these things might change. Thank GOD for the vibration on the Newborn Napper part of her Pack n Play... this is the only way she got any rest last night. However, shes in this beside me right now and groaning up a storm. So maybe I spoke too soon ; ) Today was my first day alone with the wee lass... Dad had school from 11-3, so the girls got to stay home and snuggle. And that's exactly what we did! She slept on my chest for most of the morning, and it was amazing. To look down and see her eyes, feel her breath, smell the sweetness of her skin. I could never ask for more.

God is so good! I missed church again on Sunday, but plan to go this week for sure. I have more to be thankful for than anyone in the whole world, it feels like. Everything is so free, so grand, so blessed. I found myself mid morning remembering that I hadn't thanked God for this day yet! One thing I never, ever want to do is fall down on my thankfulness or prayer life just because Avery is home and all is seemingly "in the clear". God is not a convenient store... I am not going to go to Him just because and when I need something. Thank you Lord for continuing to bless our family, for bringing Avery home, for guiding CJ and I in the best way to parent our daughter, for giving us all the strength and love we need to be the best Mom and Dad, husband and wife, daughter and sons, that we can be. Thank you for your grace, your mercy, thank you for never leaving our sides, not for one single moment. Please keep Avery safe, keep her growing, keep her healthy and strong. I give our lives to you, for you to mold them into whatever is pleasing to you. 

By the way, Bowie is doing GREAT with Avery. He clearly can't figure out what the heck she is, or why she's so loud, but he's more concerned about why I can go into her nursery and he can't. He remains my most devoted furry friend. Thank you Lord that he's not trying to attack her or anything like that. She actually sleeping right now on one side of the couch and he's at the other end, snoozing away. 

Life is good. God has blessed us so abundantly! We are taking the time to relish in each other : ) Hope wherever you are right now, you are able to do the same with the ones that mean the most to you! xox

Day 40- It's Overnight Time!

We can have her (awake) in bed with us!

A very tired Daddy feeding Baby Bear @ around 2:30 AM

Yes folks... we survived. The Lord got us through! All praise and glory are to Him for this amazing and wonderful couple of days we have had (and are currently having). Yesterday was one of the best days of my life, if not the most nerve-wracking. I had a ton of nervous energy and was so desperate to make sure we had all we needed when we brought the princess home. We skipped her 8:30 touch time in order to get our last morning of sleeping in! (At the nurses request!) That was a really great treat for us. Then we went and fed her at 11:30 and 2:30... both times she ate awesome! It takes her a moment to get going, and I have to admit that my heart skips a beat, just wondering if this is going to be the time she regresses. But she didn't. And Hallelujah, at home we don't have to time her feeds! If she wants to take a whole 30 min to eat, she can be my guest!!! What freedom, what rebels we shall be! 

Carly and company came over and were wonderful enough to get baby some preemie diapers, which we didn't have. They are such blessings in our lives, and I can't wait until Avery is bigger (and has a stronger immune system) so that she and Cara Leigh can play their hearts out together. How awesome for those two that they will have cousins so close in age! These are the times I am so thankful we decided to move back home. 

Before we knew it, it was time. We had cleaned the car (Dad), packed our bags (me), and cleaned everything/gotten everything as ready as we could for the next day (both).... it was finally the last time we would drive to the hospital to visit our child. The last time we would be in this apartment in a life that wasn't all encompassed on Avery. The last time our nursery would sit empty, waiting for a little girl to fill it, and our home, and make it come alive with a love I never thought possible. I squeezed CJ's hand in anticipation... did we have everything we needed? Were we going to be good parents?

We made a pit stop @ Arby's on the way and anxiously carried our overnight stuff up to the rooming in area of the NICU. Our nurse Amy did her final assessment of Avery and then we watched in complete gratitude as she peeled the monitor leads off for the final time. My baby was free.  We videotaped her relatively short journey from where she has been stationed the past 6 weeks to our room for the evening. I immediately got her out and laid her on the bed with me. I wrapped my arms around her and breathed deeply, inhaled the sweet scent of this life that I created, but that God saved. She is beautiful. We grew tired pretty quickly actually, and decided to try and catch a little nap in between her 8:30 and 11:30 bottle. I thought for some reason we would be up all night with excitement and nerves.... well, we were up all night, that's for sure!

And that would be because, lo and behold, our daughter is a piglet. Yes, I said it. A piglet. A snorty, grunty little mess of a thing. Who incidentally, likes to snort and grunt and make the oddest noises (to go with her odd faces) all.freaking.night. So we mostly worried if that was normal and didn't sleep at all. Which was fine. Because ya know what?? I could get up in the middle of night and walk 2 steps to see her. To touch her. To watch her make the ugly faces. I didn't have anyone telling me when I could touch my daughter. I could hold her and rock her to my hearts content. Which I fully plan to do. As soon as I catch some zzzz's ; )

Overall, she did amazing. She ate every bottle in full in 12 min or less. She doesn't really appreciate being in the complete dark or quiet though, as she's never been around either in her life. So that's why we think she couldn't fall asleep properly- thank God for a sound machine and the tv glare!! I know there will still be a million sleepless nights, and I couldn't be more thankful for a moment of any of them. My babe is healthy, she is happy, she is coming home with Mom and Dad after 6 long weeks! I can't wait to find out more and more about her as time goes on. She is a person!  That's so cool! 

We woke up for good around 8 and got her 8:3 bottle ready. Our nurse Hanna (shout out to my favorite firecracker!!) told us that her snortiness was completely normal in preemies and that she would eventually grow out of it. Not before she kept us up for a good while though, I'm fairly sure. She took her away for her final assessment EVER in the NICU and for Dr. T to take his last look at her. We gathered our things and I looked around in semi-disbelief. This has been our entire lives for the past 12 weeks. This hospital. These people. These walls. These rules. Hanna brought back Avery and her discharge papers. She went over the instructions... "Take her here on this date, take her there on this date. Call and get an appt with these developmental clinicians a month out, schedule her follow up sonograms together and a month from now". So much to remember. So much to do. And all I could think about was, "In 15 minutes, I get to take my baby home. I get to put her in my car and drive away from here". 

I kindly requested to be wheeled down and out to my car with my baby's carseat (complete with baby inside) on my lap, ya know, like the normal moms that get to take their babies home after 3 days. I had passed by these women so many times, and felt such real pangs of sadness, of jealousy. Feeling like I would never get that opportunity. So I created it for myself : ) People looked at me and smiled. We got to say goodbye to some of our nurses from when I was on bedrest (especially Ms. Ashley, whom we love and adore and are SO glad God made sure you were there our last day). And as we passed through the doors, got on the elevator, wheeled towards the exit... I smiled. This was it. No turning back. We had a baby, and this was real-life. Now we have to raise this thing! Dad got her safely in the car and I got in the back to watch over her while we drove down the back roads ("Highways are no place for little babies", says Dad). We made it home. We came inside, we changed her, we fed her. We rejoiced in our "new normal". What a ride this is going to be!

Today, I am grateful. I am happy. I am fulfilled. Not only because my daughter is home, but because of the truly amazing journey that Avery has made, and none of that would be possible without the grace of God. He has been there, every single step of the way. In the days I was inconsolable, the days I was joyful beyond belief. The days I thought this day would never happen. He knew it would. He had decided it would long ago. And so today, and every day from here on out, I resolve to live my life in order to thank Him. To love Him. To make our family one that radiates the Lord's love and honors Him with all that we do. I asked, I received, and I am overcome with how awesomely God has shown up for us. When we didn't deserve his mercy on our child, He poured it out. Thank you Father, thank you. Avery's journey has been just as this blog title says... amazing. But it is far from over. Although I started this to keep everyone up to date on our NICU days and nights, Avery's real journey is just beginning. Thank you for coming along with us, for all of it. We are so blessed by you, by your love, and your support. We would have never gotten through the past 40 days and nights in one piece without you. 

This is God's victory. Today, Avery's homecoming, I know Jesus is one happy guy that she is finally home where she belongs. So our prayer request today is this: that she continues to lead a long, happy, healthy life, blessed every day by God's grace and power. And that you are touched by Him as well. xox

Day's 38 & 39- Avery's First Turkey Day!

Check out those neck rolls... cute!

She was not cooperating with the photo op... her onesie says she loves Mommy!

Giving Thanks to God on Thanksgiving!

Check out the turkey she made with her hand behind her

She has a very cynical look on her face

Daddy and our little Turkey's 1st Thanksgiving picture

The past 2 days have been such a whirlwind. Happy Thanksgiving to everyone!! Hope it was lovely and amazing and great time spent with family. We so wish we had been able to do so with our respective families, but we wanted to spend the majority of the day with our sweet girl. Next year will be awesome, we promise! I can't believe this time next year, she'll be a year old!! I know time will fly...it already has. We have a very busy day today (Friday the 25th) so I wanted to hop on here and share the past two days as best I can. 

On Wednesday, Avery started off the day with a bang. Took her whole bottle in 9 minutes. She was sleepy while she was eating, but wide awake after. CJ and I were waffling back and forth whether or not we should take her tube out. Jessica our nurse and CJ really thought she would be fine without it; I, on the otherhand, thought it wise for my emotional well being to leave it in until she was consistently taking 8 bottles for a day or two. I spoke with Nita (another lovely nurse) on the way out and she said that in her experience, when babies are sucking down their whole bottles in under 10 minutes, they typically don't regress back to where Avery did. If anything, she might go back to 6 bottles a day, but not back down to 4. I will say that I've noticed her coordination and pacing is so much better. She gulps down a mouthful of milk, takes a breath, gulp, breathe, gulp, breath. It's the most wonderful sound in the entire world : )

Lo and behold, when I came back at 2:30, her tube was already out! Dr. T (the wonderful neonatologist) had walked by and saw that "Avery must have pulled her tube out again. Oh well, better just leave it out". In reality, they knew that baby girl would be fine without it, but didn't want to directly go against Mom's wishes. This was their way of pushing me into the right decision. She took 50 cc's in 13 minutes at 11:30 and the doc said that he just wanted to watch her volume intake over the next few days. She has to eat at least 40 cc's per feeding, on average. So if Miss Piggy sucks down 55 one feeding, she only has to eat 25 the next one and so on. 

I was informed at her 2:30 feeding time that in general at this age, babies never really keep their eyes completely open, and that doesn't mean that she is asleep and eating. Since she was sleepy (I could tell by body language) and had her eyes closed, I had to pay extra attention to if she was choking. She took her bottle plus bottle/vitamins in 12 minutes... I am so impressed with AG!

She then took 52 cc's in 8 and a half minutes at 8:30 and weighed in at about 5 lbs 2 oz!! As you can clearly see, I am getting my wish for a fat baby. And I couldn't be happier!! At 11:30 she ate and pooped a lot, then at 2:30 she ate 50 cc's in 7 minutes and at 5:30 she got down a whopping 57 cc's in 10 minutes! The girl is on fire!! We were praising God all day long for this. 

On our very first Turkey Day as a family, Avery was a little snot nose piglet. Since babies cannot breathe from their mouths yet, if they are stuffy, they can't eat. No airflow passing through the nasal canals. So this was the case at 8:30, and she only got down about 35 cc's. As you might possibly imagine, I thought for sure this was a sign that she wasn't ready to come home. Although the nurses assured me this was not the case, I had to momentarily speculate. Did we go and do it again? Was she tiring out on me once more? I literally only let myself wonder in the length of time it took you to read those sentences. I was gently reminded by the Lord that He was in control of this and if it was meant to happen this way, then there was nothing I could do about it. Worrying was not going to solve anything or make her better or worse. So SHOCKINGLY, I just breathed deep, I relaxed, I trusted, I smiled and I knew that everything was going to be okay. 

She was back to being a superstar at 11:30, and took 55 cc's AFTER her bath in 8 and a half minutes. It was during this feeding that Dr. T came over and said the most beautiful words I've ever heard (to date). "So we'll plan on rooming in tomorrow and going home around lunchtime on Saturday." 

I.DIE.

I just looked at him and smiled. Before when he told us that we were ready, I was remember being struck by fear. Are you sure?? I don't know if I'm ready! I don't know if she's ready! Can I really get up every 2 and half hours and feed her and make sure her bottles are the right temperature and that she safe in her crib and that she's not too cold/too hot and that she is happy?!?!? So many thoughts dashed madly through my mind. I remember it vividly (ya know, since it was only a little more than a week ago). I wanted her home so badly, but something inside of me knew it wasn't all the way right. Mainly because even though I was telling everyone I was ready, I wasn't. But when Dr. T made these plans for us, I felt more peace and at calm than I ever had before. Yes, we can bring her home and I won't break her. Yes, I can feed her and know that she is still breathing. Yes, I can swaddle her and rock her and sanitize her bottles and read to her and kiss her and love her. Yes, I'm ready to be a full time Mom now. How good it feels to say and believe that. 

She had her "professional pictures" done before her next touch time and she was so sleepy, it was a little tough to get the whole bottle down. She still did so in 15 minutes. Grandma came to hold her for the last time in the hospital! Everyone was very excited about that. Regarding the pictures... so it has occurred to me (and my husband, mom, step mom, etc) that my child is... well, less than photogenic. Don't get me wrong, cutest sucker you've ever seen in the flesh. But she's keen on scrunching up her face, grunting, snorting, bearing down until she turns purple, and making the possibly most unattractive baby faces known to man. And this is not only for pictures. She does it fairly frequently in her every day life. So I don't know why I thought maybe she would make an exception for Mama this one time so we could get a photo in time for a Christmas card. I got her a cute preemie outfit, a bow headband, a huge stocking to put her in. I had dreams of the sleeping baby photos, with her sweet face so docile and serene. And this, my friends, is what Avery decided to give us: http://www.our365.com/NewbornPortraits/BabyDetail.aspx?birthid=6cb703bd-7b08-4b59-b6fd-3ead1df65f25&utm_source=wnshare&utm_medium=email&utm_content=wnshare_mom_babylink&utm_campaign=wnshare_button

She also got her first RSV shot, so that is good and out of the way. She is officially 5 lbs 3 oz!! She continued to take 50-55 cc's in under 12 minutes the rest of the evening. 

And that takes us to now. We have about 5 more hours of Avery-free home life and I am so overwhelmed, overjoyed, amazed and downright excited to bring my sweet girl home finally tomorrow. We will room in at the hospital tonight starting at 7:30 and have her all to ourselves with no wires or monitors all evening. The doctor will come look at her tomorrow morning after 9 and barring no issues, we'll be released. I plan on bringing the computer up the hospital tonight so I can write exactly what I'm feeling and how thankful I am to the Lord that this is finally happening. There are truly no words. God is so good, He is so faithful, we are so blessed. 

It's almost time, folks! Keep those prayers coming for a peaceful and perfect overnight stay! Thank you!! xox

Day 37- Our Miracle Baby

Sleepy Girl after her bottle/bath

She is the cutest bug ever!

Daddy and Baby Bear

Grandma getting her loves in for the day 

That's simply what I have to say about our daughter. She is our miracle baby. She continues to remind us that God is present in every moment. She could have had a lot more problems than the tiny ones she has encountered. 9 weeks early is a lot. There is so much development that occurs in that time.... development that is much harder to accomplish when the baby is outside the womb. Development that shouldn't have to happen outside the womb, but does. And my child is living proof that miracles happen. That just because life doesn't always work out the way you plan, it doesn't necessarily mean it's a bad thing. That goodness, and positive things, and wonderful blessings can spring from even the darkest places in life. I thank God for this revelation, and keep it at the forefront of my mind, every day. Because sometimes, you really, really have to actively search out the goodness in a day. The positive stuff. I have had the propensity in the past 5 weeks to hear 1 million and 4 good things about Avery, and hone in on the mere suggestion of something potentially negative. But I'm resolving to no longer do that. Because every day is a choice. A choice to be positive, to smile, to rest easy in God's mercies. And that's a choice I'm making today.

Baby Bear had a great day today. She took a bottle at 5:30 AM and then had a bath at 8:30. We were thinking she'd be wiped out so we went ahead and fed her after the bath so she could rest at 11:30. I could tell she was tired, but she did not Brady at all. She was actually very awake after the bottle! Which has been typical in the past. Sleepy during, wide eyed and bushy tailed after.... can we please switch this?!

However at 11:30, she was wide awake and rooting, so I decided to chance it and go ahead and feed her. She took her bottle plus another bottle with vitamins in it in about 8 minutes. The doctor came around with the nurse practitioner and wrote orders for Avery that stated she could have a bottle whenever she wanted and if she was too sleepy, they could also tube feed her whenever necessary. I think that staying at 6 bottles (unless she is very awake and rooting/cuing) is good to stay at for now. The nurse said that "Avery is perfect, we're just crossing our fingers that the eating continues to go well". All we are waiting on to go home is getting and staying comfortably at full feeds, I would say with her tube out maybe 2-3 days (in my mind) at 8 bottles in order to come home. And again, I am in no rush. We can ride this out till the cows come home as long as Avery is doing well.

At 2:30 even though she was awake and probably could have eaten, I wanted to give her a break and so we tube fed her as Grandma held her. They love each other so much! It's awesome to get to see that bond. I know she will definitely be a Grandma's girl, just like I was. Can't wait for her to get to have more time with my parents and family. I wish Thanksgiving could have happened, but we wait patiently and trust that God has a great plan for health and homecoming!

At 5:30, she took her bottle in 10 minutes with no problems, and at 8:30 we fed her in 6 minutes!! She was wide awake through whole feeding. God is so good! Tonight was a big milestone for Mom and Dad and Baby in the weight department: 5 lbs .8 oz!! She is getting heavier by the minute! We are so blessed. Her cheeks are certifiably chubby : ) I can't stop kissing them, I'll tell you that. I left and told the night nurse, please only feed her by bottle IF she fully awake. She had had 5 bottles by that time and I was happy with that. When I called at 3 to check on her 11:30 and 2:30 times, Leanne kindly informed me that Avery was awake well before her touch times, being a squirmy bug and had taken both bottles in 5 and then 6 minutes. How AWESOME is that?!? I couldn't barely go back to sleep, I was a mix of happy and anxious. Were we beginning to push her too hard again? Would she become overwhelmed all over and stop eating or start Bradying again? And the thing that finally put me to sleep is the answer: her story is already written. Whether she takes every bottle from here to eternity in record breaking time, or she does tire out and we have to go back to tube feeding some, God has already blessed her. And no amount of worry or anxiety is going to change it. I've already given the situation to Him, so I just gotta totally let Him have it!!

There is a book at the NICU front desk that is called The Work of Your Hand by Victoria Leland, a NICU nurse and photographer. I flipped through it absentmindedly a couple times and saw that it had some interesting chapters, namely "Rollercoaster" and "Lord, Why MY Child?" And yes, she as a NICU nurse and preemie mom says it is totally normal to feel not only grief but guilt. The thing that really struck me especially in the chapter titled Rollercoaster (as I say this journey is every single day) is that she compares the journey in the NICU to something completely different. She suggests we use the biblical parable of a boat on a stormy sea, as people typically choose to get on a rollercoaster, and most do not choose to be abandoned in a frail boat on stormy waters (as told in Mark 6: 45-51) The disciples were alone on the sea, terrified at the sight of Jesus walking on the water. But He came and got in the boat with them and said "Courage! It is I. Do not be afraid!" As soon as He said this, the winds died. The author says that God sees me and my fears. He knows how scared I am for Avery. But I have to not try and steer this boat alone. If I call out to God, confess my fears, He will come and get in the boat with me, He will make sure the winds will die and we will be safe. "He may not steer that boat in the direction you desire, for only God knows where this difficult journey will take you and your baby. But He can calm the seas around you and bring you peace." I like this much more than the rollercoaster. And I feel that right now, this is exactly what the Lord is doing. I am crying out to Him, telling Him I can't do this alone, asking Him to come and give me comfort no matter what happens around me. And I can tell you, He is absolutely doing this. He may not answer our prayers the way we are praying them, but they are answered no matter what. They are answered according to His plan, and I know that in the end, that is better for my soul than anything I could pray for that I want to happen.

Let's keep praying that Avery gains weight every day, that she keeps taking her bottles and stays awake for them. No matter how many she feels like eating! That she remains a happy, healthy little one- that there are no Bradys in her future. I pray for forward and positive progress, and thank you for agreeing with me in prayer for that.

We love you guys and thank you for your prayers and support. Our babe is on the "right track", as the doctors/nurses keep saying... and I know she is. She's on God's track! There's no better one to be on. Have a great day! xox

Day 36- We are making a comeback!

Mama & Baby Bear

Today gave me so much hope for our baby... it was yet again a day full of ups and downs, that we have grown so accustomed to over the past 5 weeks. But through the light and the dark days, we cling to our faith. That Avery will be home soon, safe and sound. And we are very ready for her, whenever God decides to let us have her here. God is fastidiously answering our prayers and teaching us many lessons in the meantime. How blessed do I feel that these come from the Lord and through my child.

This morning Dad held the little one while they tube fed her after a successful 5:30 AM bottle. She was very awake (praise the Lord!)  When I went to feed her at 11:30 she was a sleepy little girl. She took her bottle in about 20 min and did try and Brady twice- once when she fell asleep and another time when she choked a little on her milk. I caught her both times before the alarm sounded, and I am steadfastly getting more comfortable knowing when she is holding her breath or falling asleep and am able to stop, pat her back and get her breathing again without looking at the monitor. Thank you Lord for this wisdom and foresight. The doctor wrote the order for her to have up to 6 bottles a day as long as she is awake enough and showing cues (crying for a bottle, rooting, sucking her fingers). I explained very thoroughly basically to anyone who would listen that we are not going to 6 bottles just yet. We are going to take this slow, and work up to full feeds over time. I mentally and emotionally can not withstand sprinting to the finish line of this race, only to have her tell us she's still too tired to take all her bottles and we have to go back to the half way mark. I think the nurses and doctor understand my hesitation, at least I hope they do. But in the end, I feel as though I know my daughter the best, and I can only trust that the Lord will guide us to when it's time for her to progress. And I truly believe that this will be clear in her behavior. So we wait. We watch. We listen. We love on her and know that anything that arises, we can overcome.

Which came in handy when the nurse practitioner and doctor told me they heard AG has a heart murmur. It was a "whooshing" sound that could indicate a heart condition or a valve problem called a PDA, which is almost to be expected in pre-term babies. Although when I initially was told them, I have to admit my first thought was, "Are you freaking kidding me? Does something have to be wrong every day??", I felt so calm. Yes, I was scared. I'm the mom, that's my job. But really, I knew it would be okay. No matter if she did have this PDA or even a condition that would make her have to see a cardiologist, we were gonna get through it. We scheduled her to have an echocardiogram later on in the day. We would know one way or the other what was going on, if anything. I leaned heavily on God in this time. I cannot fall apart, I kept repeating. I trust in You, Lord! Get us through this!

And at 2:30, they did the echo. I couldn't stay to watch as she was crying (even though I know it was painless) and that sounds rips my heart out. I'll get better, I promise!! We were waiting on pins and needles to hear from the pediatric cardiologist who would read the sonogram anywhere from 5-9 PM. I had lunch with my Mom and CJ decided to go up to the hospital and camp out from about 4 through her 5:30 and 8:30 touch times. What a fantastic and wonderful father he is. I fall more and more in love with him as I see his selfless devotion to Avery and her well-being. I can't wait until she's bigger and he is able to do so much more with her. I know that excites him as well! A couple days ago as he was holding her and I could see him looking at her with such unadulterated adoration, I asked him, "Did you ever think you could love your daughter this much?" And he took Avery, positioned her to look right in his eyes and said, "Of course. I've been waiting for you my whole life, Baby Girl".  And in that moment, the past 11 weeks were suddenly and completely worth it.  Every tear I've cried, about being on bedrest, about delivering her early, about being confined to the NICU..... I would do it again, 15 times over, to know that I was able to give my husband this gift. He is so in love with her, and is truly born to be a Daddy. I hope that one day, in the kind of distant future, we are able to give Avery a sibling (perhaps through adoption this time around, although we'll discuss when the time comes), so that I can see the same evolution in him again. I feel so blessed to have him be my constant partner in this journey.

Her echo came back normal!! No followup recommended!! Happy dance ensues!! Thank you Jesus!! No holes, no PDA, just a little murmur that means nothing.

Her subsequent bottles were at 5:30 and 8:30- Dad fed and then I did. She took them better and better, with no issues at all. I did start to notice she was pretty much completely awake for her night bottle, which was surprising, as in the past the 8:30 bottle has always put her to sleep about 2 minutes in. I know without one shred of doubt that the Lord is beginning to answer our prayers for her to be more awake. I feel it in my bones. I know it to my core. I'm rejoicing and doing so without feeling like I have to rush her through the last week or so... I can do this as long as she wants. I talked to her for a long time tonight, as she was very much awake after the bottle. We talked about how her heart, and her brain, and her kidneys were all perfect. About how much she has overcome in her little life. About coming home and her beautiful nursery that is waiting for her. About all the stuff we were gonna do when she gets big, like have girl nights full of painting nails and eating chocolate chip cookies and watching the Little Mermaid. Man, I hope she likes these things! I won't know what to do if she's a tomboy! We had a great prayer at the end of our touch time, and I felt completely at peace with how things are going. I felt a calm that Avery is going to be just fine, whether she come home next week or in 3 weeks. That is no one's decision but God's. So why worry? Why rush?

Her official weight is: 4 lbs 14.6 oz!! We are gonna have a 5 lb baby tomorrow I would guess!! I can't believe it. She is still so little but to gain 2 lbs already?? I'm so happy I will get my fat baby soon. Her cheeks are filling out more and more every day and she looks completely like a term baby (in my opinion) now. Well, minus the slightly smaller body. Maybe I'm in denial, hahaha! She is looking more and more like ME as well! Baby me, anyway. It was really strange as I looked at her picture from yesterday, as I've never really thought she looked like me at all. But to see that she is starting to, it's the neatest thing. To feel yet another connection to her.

We were going to give her a rest at 11:30, but she woke up crying for a bottle about 20 minutes prior to her touch time, so they went ahead and gave her it! They tube fed her at 2:30 even though the nurse thought she was awake enough to bottle feed, she didn't want to give her more than what I had asked her to. Way to go, Nurse Diane! Thank you for respecting Momma's wishes!! And then she took a bottle at 5:30 AM with no issues. So in total, she took 5 bottles today. I can not only live with that, I can rejoice in it!! She's doing so well.

Thank you Lord for answering our prayers, for being faithful, for never letting us down. I know that He is carrying us right now, and especially carrying our worries, our doubts, our fears. It's so lovely as a parent to be able to love and not be scared. Obviously, I am hit with that emotion (as evidenced in previous posts), but I feel like I don't have to be scared anymore. Not for Avery. Not that she won't come home or that she won't be okay in the long run. How wonderful that I have the assurance from God. There is something I want to write about tomorrow in relation to our NICU stay being likened to a rollercoaster, but I have to get this book from the NICU that I found it in so I can aptly type it out.

Can we continue to pray that Avery is awake more and more, that she does not Brady, that she wakes up to take her bottles without issue? That God's plan be perfectly executed for our daughter, that whenever He is ready for her to come home, that it be unquestionably clear to all of us?That she continue to gain weight and be a healthy, happy, pretty freaking cute baby- free of all sickness and all infection? All these things are only possible through Christ, and I give Him all the glory and honor and praise for letting our girl do as well as she is. Although there are setbacks.... aren't there always? That doesn't negate His love for Avery... or me, or CJ. If anything, it only shows that He loves us enough to know we can withstand the speedbumps. He has graced us with the strength to get through them. Thank you Lord for that.

And thank you for your prayers, for your positive thoughts, for your love and your support. We know that none of this would be half as easy as it is without all of you. Thank you for reading, for texting, for emailing, for calling. Even though we cannot dedicate a fraction of the amount of time we would like to returning these things, please know that we appreciate them, we covet them, we take solace in them- even if you don't know we do. Our lives will be settled here soon and God willing, we will have a bit more time at home in order to get our personal relationships back on track. We love you! Goodnight xox

Day 35- Happy 5 Week Old Baby Day!! (36 Weeks Gestational Age)

My baby is 5 weeks old!

I woke up today with a renewed sense of calm. I realized that before, when I was saying that I would stick with Avery no matter how long it took, it was easy for me to say that b/c I knew the end of her NICU stay was near. However, I now don't know that. While anyone can guess how long it could take her to get back to eating all 8 bottles, no one really knows. They currently are having her feed from a bottle every other time, so 4 bottles total in a 24 hour span. That's a lot to cut down to, when you figure we were about ready to take her home. It's tough for me to accept. But I know that this is necessary. And the scariest thing for me right now is pushing her too hard again. If we have to stay at 4 bottles for a week, that is what we will do. If she comes home on Dec. 18th, healthy and eating like a champ, I am ready for that as well. Because really before, I don't think I was being completely honest with myself. But now I am. I am not looking forward to any specific date. I'm prepared to keep coming to the NICU 4 times a day, every day for the next 4 weeks if that's what she needs. There's a freedom in that now, I feel.

Today, we have been blessed with Avery Grace for 5 weeks. I forget she is a preemie sometimes. Mostly bc she's been doing so well with everything and also because the kid now weighs 4 lbs 13.6 oz!! She is getting so big (well to us anyway). Thank you Lord for the most beautiful 5 weeks of my entire life. Every moment this little girl is alive is the greatest gift You could ever give me. God is so faithful and good!

The blood culture came back negative for infections. Thank you Jesus!! CJ went up to give her a bath while I stayed home and tried to sleep off my swollen eyes. They tube fed her this time and he was able to hold her the whole time. He said she awake for almost all of it, and just fell asleep towards the end... see a pattern here??

The doctor showed us her head sonogram and I feel so much better about it. Basically there is the smallest, tiniest spot, for lack of a better word, in a blood vessel in her brain. It could be that she had a small brain bleed when she was born (totally typical in preemies) that healed and left the calcification. It could be another blood vessel. He gave several more serious options, but said that if it was all those other things, then more dire things would be seen on the ultrasound. And those things weren't present. So he honestly thinks it is nothing. That if you did 100 scans of the same brain, no 2 of them would be the exact same. So we will get a followup done one month from her discharge date along with her kidney ultrasound. Dr. Ragu always makes things sound better! We ended up staying and bottle feeding her at 11:30- Dad did the honors. She took her whole bottle without any issue. She did choke at the end while he had to lean her back to get the last drops to her, and subsequently Bradyed. But this wasn't an issue b/c I could see she was choking and it didn't happen in the midst of her eating, only after he had pulled the bottle away from her. It could have happened to anyone.

At her 5:30 feeding, Mimi came up to hold her. I got to feed her and she was awake through the majority of the bottle. She started to really drift off when she got halfway through and I was trying everything I could think of to wake her up. She started to Brady shortly thereafter, but I could feel her holding her breath, so I was hitting her on the back before the alarm went off. At this point, I became concerned about even giving her 4 bottles a day. Could she stay awake long enough even for these?? I needed her to. A lot of babies at her age are waking up crying to eat every 3 hours, and Avery is not. She will sleep until you rouse her and even that takes some doing. The doctor upped her feeding amount to 40cc's from 37, but she's taking 45-50 every time, so its really an inconsequential move.

At 8:30, the night nurse said that she in fact did wake up crying and hungry! But they had to tube feed her since she bottle fed at 5:30. Her remaining bottles at 11:30 and 5:30 AM (I was told) went well, with no Bradys.

I was sent several Scriptures the past 2 days which have resonated so profoundly for me in this time. Galatians 5:22 "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control". As a wise new friend pointed out, God uses certain situations to develop or strengthen these fruits within us. I definitely need the patience and self-control lesson, daily! And while I'm not the most keen to have my child be away from home any longer than she has to be, I am thankful that the Lord is using her to teach me, to strengthen me. How awesome is it that God knows I am strong enough to weather this storm, even when I don't feel like I can? As I am constantly reminded, His grace is sufficient. The weaker I am (and I have been so lately), the stronger He is. I can fall apart, I can lay down and cry, and my tears and weaknesses make His power that much greater. I rest in  Him. I hope in him. I trust in Him. That will never change. No matter how much we are tested or given not great news. This is the way the Enemy is trying to lead us away from our close relationship with the Lord. And it won't work.

So today, I'm holding my head high, smiling, snuggling my baby, and knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt, she'll be coming home soon. She is going to start waking up to take her bottles, she is going to outgrow her Brady episodes, she is going to be healed of any obstacles that bar her from coming home with us. God is so present in every hair on her head, in every blink of her eye. Even if today is not such a good day for her, tomorrow can be. And the only thing we have anymore, is hope for the future. For tomorrow, and the day after, and the day she comes home. When she's ready, God will let us know. I believe in that more than I could possibly put into words on a computer screen.

Thank you for all your prayers. They have kept me upright, they have healed our daughter, they have pleased the Lord, and they have blessed us to no end. Every day is chance to put your trust in Him and watch as He transforms your life so perfectly. Even in the hard nights, it is still perfect. Hope everyone has a wonderful day! xox

Day 34 Photos

Oh I live the hardest life

I'm too tired to eat... so sue me!

Daddy loves his little girl

They look  a lot alike 

Sleeping Beauty

Well, no such luck with the uneventful evening. We went over to my Dad's for dinner and it was delicious. Even though we were all worried about Avery, it was a nice time to get together and visit. Then CJ called the hospital to make sure Avery took her bottle at 8:30. Not only had she not taken it at all, they decided they'd have to re-insert her feeding tube in order to make sure she was getting her milk. I don't know what happened after that really. I fell apart. Pretty badly, actually. I don't think I've cried like that.... ever, I guess. All I could think about was that we were taking a huge step backwards and the finish line might as well be somewhere around her 1st birthday. I was largely inconsolable... much apologies to my husband, dad and stepmom. I know it seemed in those hours like I had lost hope and it was hard for you to see my heart break in that way. I'm so blessed with a wonderful family who literally feels my pain and goes through the dark times with me. CJ had them run a blood culture to check for infection, as perhaps this was the culprit in her decision to no longer eat from a bottle. The NICU decided they would tube feed her the following two feeds and then try a bottle at 5:30 AM. He went up to the NICU to be with Avery at 11:30 while I stayed home and got back down on my knees to talk to God. "Okay Lord... I did ask you to close the door if You didn't want us to take her home yet, but now I'm ready for a window! Please God, open a window for me". I must have passed out sometime around 1, I'm not really sure. I don't remember my husband coming home. But when I woke up the next morning, before I had even opened my eyes, I heard him say, "She took her whole bottle Brady free in 15 minutes this morning. See, Babe.... she just needed a little rest. She's gonna be fine." There's my window creaking open : )

Day 34- I thought that might happen....

Nothing is ever etched in stone in life, is it? Other than the wonderful mercy and grace and love that I know God has for us. Which is by far, the most important. Death and taxes!! We were so close to the finish line....

Long story short, Avery will not be coming home Monday. She had 1 and a half Brady episodes this morning with Dad. Gma and GDad came to visit her which I'm absolutely sure she loved. My child is so lucky to have 5 grandparents. What a blessing! At her 11:30 feeding, Dad said he stimulated her a lot (took her blanket completely off, rubbed her head the whole time) and she did well. No Bradys.

They did a follow up head ultrasound to the one they did on her when she was a week old. The nurse practitioner said that the radiologist found something "abnormal" on her current scan that wasn't on the scan when she was littler. Both her and the doctor assured CJ and later me that it was most likely nothing, but they wanted us to come in tomorrow morning and look at the films with the doctor. The radiologist recommended a follow up scan in 30 days, to go with the follow up kidney ultrasound they also ordered.  So I've very quickly come to the conclusion that the waiting part is going to be the literal death of me. I'm too emotionally exhausted to even pray, to be completely honest. My faith in the Lord to heal our child has not waned.... I'm just so tired out, from crying, from being mad, from being anxious and let down.

She had a Brady when I fed her at 2:30- I felt her hold her breath and was already slapping her back by the time the alarm went off. She very quickly recovered, but the damage to my heart was already done. Nita (love love love her) taught me yet another new way to hold her, to stimulate her into staying awake. It's basically just making Avery so mad she stays awake. Hey I will be the first in line to do that! Rubbing her back in a very irritating way, taking her blanket from around her, rubbing the back of her head.... she doesn't much like these things, but she finished the rest of her bottle and was bright eyed and bushy tailed. I have to do this. I have to figure out how to feed my child so she can breathe at the same time.

My spirit is a little worse for wear again tonight. I am more riddled with guilt than I ever have been, that my stupid body wasn't able to hold her in longer, that she wouldn't be going through all of this if I had done something differently throughout my pregnancy. Maybe if I hadn't worked out every day, or worked the long hours.... I feel like its my fault that she's going through all this. I'm weary and wonder how much longer I can function like this... constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. Holding my breath until the next blow lands. I know that it could be so much worse. I am utterly and completely thankful that for Avery, its not. She is a healthy baby, as far as we know right now. She has some coordination issues associated with eating, and that is merely b/c I'm still supposed to be pregnant. It's so weird to think about that. My body made my daughter do things way earlier than she was ready to. I can't wait until she is old enough so I can beg her forgiveness... not that I don't already. I want to hear her sweet voice (which yes, I already know she will have) say, "Mom, it wasn't your fault... I'm here and I'm fine". Oh what a wonderful day that will be.

Thank you Jesus for your perfect plan. I prayed that if it wasn't Avery's time to go home with us, that he would close the door in some way. And He did. So, thank you Jesus for being so faithful enough to answer that prayer. We still await Your perfect timing for our girl to make it home safe and sound in our arms. Thank you for everything you continue to do that is so amazing in her life. We love you, we honor you, we thank you for being strong where and when we are not. Please continue to work your miracles in her life every day, as we trust that you do.

I will post about the rest of her night tomorrow- we are headed back up to the hospital to try for a Brady-free feeding and then to dinner at my Dad's. Thank you everyone for praying for us and sticking with us through this tough time... mostly b/c I know I'm no fun to be around : / One day I promise I'll be normal again!
Have a great night xox

Day 33- It's a New Day!

Sorry I'm not very good at taking pictures the past couple days... its really been such a blur and I'm so focused on bad/good news when we get to the hospital, I forget to take any. She's still super cute. Trust me.

I woke up today trying really hard to be positive. Hearing that she took 45 cc's in 15 minutes without any Bradys was a great way to start the day! The way of holding her on her side and pacing her seems to be working as far as holding off Brady's is concerned. Also we spoke with the doctor who basically told us that we could still room in on Sunday and take her home Monday. They will be ready to discharge her "in a few days" and are pretty much just waiting on us to say we are comfortable feeding her/catching her Brady episodes when she's eating. He said that she will eventually grow out of this when she starts to be more awake during the day/while she's eating, but it will just take time. Other than that (which is fairly common in babies her gestational age), she is doing well enough to go home. Since her "blue face" episode left me scarred, I was hesitant to think taking her home Monday was still in the cards. I really didn't know if I would be comfortable feeding her knowing she was still having them almost every time she ate.

However, I went in at 2:30 and was shown how to position her so I could do it myself. And she ate the whole bottle in 20 minutes and never dropped her heartrate! Hooray! I felt totally great doing this. I could pace her! She would never Brady again under my watch!

Yeah right. At 8:30 I could tell in her body language (went limp) that she was about to have a Brady. I immediately took the bottle from her mouth and slapped her back several times. I looked up at the monitor and saw her HR go from 120 to 110 to 95... I kept slapping. I saw her peep her eyes open and I glanced back up at the monitor. 110.....115....135. Thank you Lord. The alarm never went off. I caught the Brady before it happened simply by paying attention to my daughter. I could do this. I didn't have to be scared to feed her, to touch her. She could still come home before Thanksgiving..... all we had to do was get through 2 more days. I went to sleep as I always do... anxiety ridden and hopeful. I called through out the night and was told she had no more Brady's, and was taking her bottles well. Her official weight is up to 4 lbs 11 oz. We're gonna have a 5 pounder before we know it! I can't wait.

The meeting with the pediatrician went super well. She seems like a lovely woman, and even though she doesn't normally accept our insurance, she is making an exception for Avery : ) I prayed that all would fall into place if this was the doctor that was meant for our child. She has a lot of experience with premature babies and her office also has a "sick" and a "well" entrance and waiting room, so important for little one's immune system. I hope and pray we aren't there too much, but if we are, then that is a peace of mind for me. I was so excited to know that soon, I would actually be there with a baby. What an awesome feeling!

I went to sleep with the notion in my mind that we would be bringing home our baby in just 3 short days. That is something I akin to Christmas Eve! I could barely sleep. As I said yesterday, the tides are always turning, both in "normal" life, and most importantly to us right now, life in the NICU. Tomorrow could change everything.

Day 31 & 32- With some photos

First Thumb Sucking Experience

1 month old angel baby

Avery loved to celebrate her 1 month birthday!

Hip Hip Hooray! I'm one month old today!

My big girl really shined today... I brought her carseat from home as well as an outfit for the hospital to take her pictures in. However, I think maybe Daddy accidentally shrunk it! So we might be donating that to the NICU. She had her eye exam and has a followup appt with the doctor in 3 weeks, which is completely routine. ALL preemie babies eyes aren't fully formed and so we have to take extra care to make sure Avery's grow correctly. He did say that she should have no issues. She also had her Hep B vaccine during the night and did well with that. She was very lethargic all day but took her bottles well. More than the doctor is requiring every time. The night nurse said that if she Brady's or doesn't eat well, they aren't alarmed on this day b/c the eye exam is really taxing on the babies. As of her birthday, her weight is up to 4 lbs 8.4 oz. We set the tentative date to room in Saturday night and come home Sunday.

Baby Bear wrapped up during the carseat test

Doesn't she look like a doll?

Daddy feeding her

Today, she started off by Brady'ing while taking her first bottle. I freaked. Because I was the one feeding her. The wonderful NICU nurse Jessica said that since it was while she was eating, it didn't have to "count" and set us back another 5 days, mostly bc they attribute them to lack of coordination with the "suck, swallow, breathe" trio. I breathed huge sigh of relief. I felt that this was just a one time occurrence. We learned we'd actually have to room in on Sunday, as her last apnea spell was on the 13th and the rule is 7 days out from that date. She was sleepy again while taking her 11:30 and 2:30 bottle, but Jessica said since she'd had a very busy few days, this was expected. It could take a full 24-48 hours for her to snap back into her routine. She passed her carseat test (yay!!!) She ended up staying in there about 3 hours! It was sooooooo cute, CJ and I came in to feed her and saw her still in there. She's so little, the straps really do overtake her. As I mentioned in previous post, she ended up Bradying 2 times back to back when we went at 5:30. It was beyond traumatizing to see my child turn blue. Obviously I didn't handle that very well. Was too upset to go to her 8:30 feeding, but CJ did. He learned a new position to feed her in which hopefully will cut down on her Bradying. She did have a very brief one at the end of her feed, but she was exhausted. The rest of the night she didn't Brady, although by that point, Mom was in her black hole of despair.

I wanted to tell of the coolest thing though. When CJ came home from feeding her, I began to cry again. He was talking about wanting to keep her in the NICU longer, and even though I know this is what is best for her, it was sad for me. As I thought about Thanksgiving without my baby, and CJ and I were sitting on the couch, I started sobbing. Scream crying, I like to call it. And while I was crying, the song I mentioned a few posts back kept playing in my mind. Loudly. "Savior, worthy of honor and glory, worthy of all of our praise, You overcame". I mean,, I couldn't even think complete thoughts b/c this song was so much in my mind. I was praising God through my tears. And my husband went to turn on the TV. WOW, I thought. Turning on the TV at a time like this?? He must not care at all about me being so upset! But here's the thing.... he didn't turn on the TV. He turned on the stereo. Which he never does while we are at home; its almost strictly for the dog. And what song was playing at that exact time, you ask? I think you know. " We will overcome, by the blood of the Lamb and the words of our testimony, Everyone overcomes". I laid down on the couch and shook, so completely bowled over by the undeniable presence of God at that moment. I could do nothing but mutter, Thank you Jesus, over and over. A warming calm washed over me and my tears dried rather quickly. When the song ended, I sat up and looked at Christopher. "She's going to be okay", I told him, with complete confidence. I have never felt the Lord so strongly as I did in that moment. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that was His way of telling me He is with me, He is with Avery, and we are all going to get through this together. We can overcome anything with the Lord behind us! It was the most awesome event. I thank God for sending me that message. I know that whatever happens, He will be there with us, to help us overcome.

Tomorrow is a new day. If I've learned anything, its that tides change rather quickly. Both in normal life and in the NICU life. I have an interview with a potential pediatrician for Avery and we are in constant prayer that her Brady issues cease. I know there are so many people praying for her, praying for us. I cannot feasibly thank you enough. The outreach we have experienced is phenomenal. It is otherworldly. The fact that all these people are praying for our little girl is humbling and makes me want to reach out to others that much more. To pay it forward, if you will. I thank each and every one of you for loving our girl enough to keep her so fresh in your minds and in your hearts. God is listening and answering, every day. We praise Him through the bad times and the good. It's super easy to praise Him with everything is going your way, right? I want to praise Him when I feel like the world is crashing down on me. Because I know, in those moments, He is closer than ever.

Goodnight everyone.... hope tomorrow brings blessings galore for you and your families : ) xox

Missing In Action- Days 31 & 32

I just wanted to get on here for a second and apologize for not writing about our sweet baby's 1 month old birthday today! Yesterday was amazing, and I'm so abundantly blessed to have had this precious angel in my life for a whole month. What a long but beautiful month it has been.

Tonight I am broken. I feel like its my whole body instead of just my heart. I wish I could find the strength somewhere in me to stop the heavy flow of tears and sobs, to uncurl from the fetal position and just write how great my baby is doing. Was doing. Is doing... I don't know anymore. But quite simply, it hurts too much right now to do any of that. I promise I will eventually. I'll post her pictures with her 1 month old onesie on and her in her carseat (she passed the test!!) But tonight, I just want to cry. I want to pray. I want to be sad that child isn't beside me, and tell God that I know that doesn't mean she won't be soon. With every step back, I feel like our journey in the NICU is extended by what seems like another eternity. When every day feels like a year, another week or two or more puts me somewhere in my mid-thirties. I am so thankful that the situation isn't worse than it is. Very thankful. Very grateful. I praise God first and foremost always that Avery is healthy.

She had a great day yesterday. It's been an exhausting 2 days for her, what with baths, car seat and eye tests and taking all 8 bottles consistently. We've noticed its a struggle to keep her awake towards the end of her bottles. What no one can ever prepare a parent, a mother, for is to see her baby turn blue b/c she can't breathe. That image will literally haunt me the rest of my life. I can't get it out of my head. Avery had 4 Brady episodes today. All while eating. Once this morning when I fed her, 2 back to back when CJ fed her at 5:30 and a "small" one at 8:30 when CJ fed her again. This is most certainly not good news. The ones at 5:30 were when he took the bottle away from her mouth and I could just see her perfect lips were blue, her face was white and blue and her eyes had the darkest circles. I can't explain the depths of despair I felt at that moment. Why my baby?? Why does she have to go through this? Obviously our going home date that had been discussed of Monday will not be happening. But this is not why I'm sad. I just can't stand the thought of my child not being able to breathe. Yes, i want her home more than anything. But it's better she have these episodes there than here. We know that. Be it her coming home on Tuesday (if she doesn't Brady past tomorrow) or on Dec. 18th (her originally due date)- God knows whats best. And thats the hardest thing to swallow when all I want to do is put her next to me in a bed for just a min and snuggle with her. My body aches to hold my child with no wires to contend with, no monitor to try and ignore when you're attempting to pray over her. The light at the end of the tunnel got a little bit farther today, and I am crying out to God to somehow, bring that hope back to me. Please, please Lord, work in her brain and in her throat and lungs so that she doesn't have any more Bradys. I continue to trust you, to trust in You, with all my heart. I know that just because I'm sad doesn't have to mean I doubt your power or your plan. I don't. I just want to see my sweet girl eat and breathe at the same time. That's all. Please Lord.... hear my prayers and provide healing to Avery Grace. I know only You can do this.

I'll try and blog more completely when I can get it together. I'm sorry that I'm not strong enough tonight to do much of anything. I owe it to my daughter to be a good mom, a strong mom, to handle the good times and the bad. Hopefully that will come to me in the near future. I don't feel like much of any kind of mom right now.

Thank you for continuing to pray for our baby. She will come home, strong and healthy and perfect. When she's ready. Which obviously isn't now. Thank you for believing in God's plan with me, even if it doesn't match up with our own. Goodnight xox