I just wanted to get on here for a second and apologize for not writing about our sweet baby's 1 month old birthday today! Yesterday was amazing, and I'm so abundantly blessed to have had this precious angel in my life for a whole month. What a long but beautiful month it has been.
Tonight I am broken. I feel like its my whole body instead of just my heart. I wish I could find the strength somewhere in me to stop the heavy flow of tears and sobs, to uncurl from the fetal position and just write how great my baby is doing. Was doing. Is doing... I don't know anymore. But quite simply, it hurts too much right now to do any of that. I promise I will eventually. I'll post her pictures with her 1 month old onesie on and her in her carseat (she passed the test!!) But tonight, I just want to cry. I want to pray. I want to be sad that child isn't beside me, and tell God that I know that doesn't mean she won't be soon. With every step back, I feel like our journey in the NICU is extended by what seems like another eternity. When every day feels like a year, another week or two or more puts me somewhere in my mid-thirties. I am so thankful that the situation isn't worse than it is. Very thankful. Very grateful. I praise God first and foremost always that Avery is healthy.
She had a great day yesterday. It's been an exhausting 2 days for her, what with baths, car seat and eye tests and taking all 8 bottles consistently. We've noticed its a struggle to keep her awake towards the end of her bottles. What no one can ever prepare a parent, a mother, for is to see her baby turn blue b/c she can't breathe. That image will literally haunt me the rest of my life. I can't get it out of my head. Avery had 4 Brady episodes today. All while eating. Once this morning when I fed her, 2 back to back when CJ fed her at 5:30 and a "small" one at 8:30 when CJ fed her again. This is most certainly not good news. The ones at 5:30 were when he took the bottle away from her mouth and I could just see her perfect lips were blue, her face was white and blue and her eyes had the darkest circles. I can't explain the depths of despair I felt at that moment. Why my baby?? Why does she have to go through this? Obviously our going home date that had been discussed of Monday will not be happening. But this is not why I'm sad. I just can't stand the thought of my child not being able to breathe. Yes, i want her home more than anything. But it's better she have these episodes there than here. We know that. Be it her coming home on Tuesday (if she doesn't Brady past tomorrow) or on Dec. 18th (her originally due date)- God knows whats best. And thats the hardest thing to swallow when all I want to do is put her next to me in a bed for just a min and snuggle with her. My body aches to hold my child with no wires to contend with, no monitor to try and ignore when you're attempting to pray over her. The light at the end of the tunnel got a little bit farther today, and I am crying out to God to somehow, bring that hope back to me. Please, please Lord, work in her brain and in her throat and lungs so that she doesn't have any more Bradys. I continue to trust you, to trust in You, with all my heart. I know that just because I'm sad doesn't have to mean I doubt your power or your plan. I don't. I just want to see my sweet girl eat and breathe at the same time. That's all. Please Lord.... hear my prayers and provide healing to Avery Grace. I know only You can do this.
I'll try and blog more completely when I can get it together. I'm sorry that I'm not strong enough tonight to do much of anything. I owe it to my daughter to be a good mom, a strong mom, to handle the good times and the bad. Hopefully that will come to me in the near future. I don't feel like much of any kind of mom right now.
Thank you for continuing to pray for our baby. She will come home, strong and healthy and perfect. When she's ready. Which obviously isn't now. Thank you for believing in God's plan with me, even if it doesn't match up with our own. Goodnight xox
No comments:
Post a Comment