Day 36- We are making a comeback!

Mama & Baby Bear

Today gave me so much hope for our baby... it was yet again a day full of ups and downs, that we have grown so accustomed to over the past 5 weeks. But through the light and the dark days, we cling to our faith. That Avery will be home soon, safe and sound. And we are very ready for her, whenever God decides to let us have her here. God is fastidiously answering our prayers and teaching us many lessons in the meantime. How blessed do I feel that these come from the Lord and through my child.

This morning Dad held the little one while they tube fed her after a successful 5:30 AM bottle. She was very awake (praise the Lord!)  When I went to feed her at 11:30 she was a sleepy little girl. She took her bottle in about 20 min and did try and Brady twice- once when she fell asleep and another time when she choked a little on her milk. I caught her both times before the alarm sounded, and I am steadfastly getting more comfortable knowing when she is holding her breath or falling asleep and am able to stop, pat her back and get her breathing again without looking at the monitor. Thank you Lord for this wisdom and foresight. The doctor wrote the order for her to have up to 6 bottles a day as long as she is awake enough and showing cues (crying for a bottle, rooting, sucking her fingers). I explained very thoroughly basically to anyone who would listen that we are not going to 6 bottles just yet. We are going to take this slow, and work up to full feeds over time. I mentally and emotionally can not withstand sprinting to the finish line of this race, only to have her tell us she's still too tired to take all her bottles and we have to go back to the half way mark. I think the nurses and doctor understand my hesitation, at least I hope they do. But in the end, I feel as though I know my daughter the best, and I can only trust that the Lord will guide us to when it's time for her to progress. And I truly believe that this will be clear in her behavior. So we wait. We watch. We listen. We love on her and know that anything that arises, we can overcome.

Which came in handy when the nurse practitioner and doctor told me they heard AG has a heart murmur. It was a "whooshing" sound that could indicate a heart condition or a valve problem called a PDA, which is almost to be expected in pre-term babies. Although when I initially was told them, I have to admit my first thought was, "Are you freaking kidding me? Does something have to be wrong every day??", I felt so calm. Yes, I was scared. I'm the mom, that's my job. But really, I knew it would be okay. No matter if she did have this PDA or even a condition that would make her have to see a cardiologist, we were gonna get through it. We scheduled her to have an echocardiogram later on in the day. We would know one way or the other what was going on, if anything. I leaned heavily on God in this time. I cannot fall apart, I kept repeating. I trust in You, Lord! Get us through this!

And at 2:30, they did the echo. I couldn't stay to watch as she was crying (even though I know it was painless) and that sounds rips my heart out. I'll get better, I promise!! We were waiting on pins and needles to hear from the pediatric cardiologist who would read the sonogram anywhere from 5-9 PM. I had lunch with my Mom and CJ decided to go up to the hospital and camp out from about 4 through her 5:30 and 8:30 touch times. What a fantastic and wonderful father he is. I fall more and more in love with him as I see his selfless devotion to Avery and her well-being. I can't wait until she's bigger and he is able to do so much more with her. I know that excites him as well! A couple days ago as he was holding her and I could see him looking at her with such unadulterated adoration, I asked him, "Did you ever think you could love your daughter this much?" And he took Avery, positioned her to look right in his eyes and said, "Of course. I've been waiting for you my whole life, Baby Girl".  And in that moment, the past 11 weeks were suddenly and completely worth it.  Every tear I've cried, about being on bedrest, about delivering her early, about being confined to the NICU..... I would do it again, 15 times over, to know that I was able to give my husband this gift. He is so in love with her, and is truly born to be a Daddy. I hope that one day, in the kind of distant future, we are able to give Avery a sibling (perhaps through adoption this time around, although we'll discuss when the time comes), so that I can see the same evolution in him again. I feel so blessed to have him be my constant partner in this journey.

Her echo came back normal!! No followup recommended!! Happy dance ensues!! Thank you Jesus!! No holes, no PDA, just a little murmur that means nothing.

Her subsequent bottles were at 5:30 and 8:30- Dad fed and then I did. She took them better and better, with no issues at all. I did start to notice she was pretty much completely awake for her night bottle, which was surprising, as in the past the 8:30 bottle has always put her to sleep about 2 minutes in. I know without one shred of doubt that the Lord is beginning to answer our prayers for her to be more awake. I feel it in my bones. I know it to my core. I'm rejoicing and doing so without feeling like I have to rush her through the last week or so... I can do this as long as she wants. I talked to her for a long time tonight, as she was very much awake after the bottle. We talked about how her heart, and her brain, and her kidneys were all perfect. About how much she has overcome in her little life. About coming home and her beautiful nursery that is waiting for her. About all the stuff we were gonna do when she gets big, like have girl nights full of painting nails and eating chocolate chip cookies and watching the Little Mermaid. Man, I hope she likes these things! I won't know what to do if she's a tomboy! We had a great prayer at the end of our touch time, and I felt completely at peace with how things are going. I felt a calm that Avery is going to be just fine, whether she come home next week or in 3 weeks. That is no one's decision but God's. So why worry? Why rush?

Her official weight is: 4 lbs 14.6 oz!! We are gonna have a 5 lb baby tomorrow I would guess!! I can't believe it. She is still so little but to gain 2 lbs already?? I'm so happy I will get my fat baby soon. Her cheeks are filling out more and more every day and she looks completely like a term baby (in my opinion) now. Well, minus the slightly smaller body. Maybe I'm in denial, hahaha! She is looking more and more like ME as well! Baby me, anyway. It was really strange as I looked at her picture from yesterday, as I've never really thought she looked like me at all. But to see that she is starting to, it's the neatest thing. To feel yet another connection to her.

We were going to give her a rest at 11:30, but she woke up crying for a bottle about 20 minutes prior to her touch time, so they went ahead and gave her it! They tube fed her at 2:30 even though the nurse thought she was awake enough to bottle feed, she didn't want to give her more than what I had asked her to. Way to go, Nurse Diane! Thank you for respecting Momma's wishes!! And then she took a bottle at 5:30 AM with no issues. So in total, she took 5 bottles today. I can not only live with that, I can rejoice in it!! She's doing so well.

Thank you Lord for answering our prayers, for being faithful, for never letting us down. I know that He is carrying us right now, and especially carrying our worries, our doubts, our fears. It's so lovely as a parent to be able to love and not be scared. Obviously, I am hit with that emotion (as evidenced in previous posts), but I feel like I don't have to be scared anymore. Not for Avery. Not that she won't come home or that she won't be okay in the long run. How wonderful that I have the assurance from God. There is something I want to write about tomorrow in relation to our NICU stay being likened to a rollercoaster, but I have to get this book from the NICU that I found it in so I can aptly type it out.

Can we continue to pray that Avery is awake more and more, that she does not Brady, that she wakes up to take her bottles without issue? That God's plan be perfectly executed for our daughter, that whenever He is ready for her to come home, that it be unquestionably clear to all of us?That she continue to gain weight and be a healthy, happy, pretty freaking cute baby- free of all sickness and all infection? All these things are only possible through Christ, and I give Him all the glory and honor and praise for letting our girl do as well as she is. Although there are setbacks.... aren't there always? That doesn't negate His love for Avery... or me, or CJ. If anything, it only shows that He loves us enough to know we can withstand the speedbumps. He has graced us with the strength to get through them. Thank you Lord for that.

And thank you for your prayers, for your positive thoughts, for your love and your support. We know that none of this would be half as easy as it is without all of you. Thank you for reading, for texting, for emailing, for calling. Even though we cannot dedicate a fraction of the amount of time we would like to returning these things, please know that we appreciate them, we covet them, we take solace in them- even if you don't know we do. Our lives will be settled here soon and God willing, we will have a bit more time at home in order to get our personal relationships back on track. We love you! Goodnight xox